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TRASH TALK: Minnesota

Carl Spackler had the right idea.

NCAA Football: Middle Tennessee at Minnesota
In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, au revoir, gopher.
Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

Jon: I want you to trash talk every gopher on the Internet.

AMS: Check me if I’m wrong, Jon, but if I trash talk all the golfers, they’re gonna kick me off the Internet.

Jon: Gophers, ya great git! Not golfers! The little golden furry rodents from Minnesota!

AMS: We can do that. We don’t even have to have a reason.

We aren’t actually playing Minnesota this week, or this year, in fact, but that doesn’t mean we can’t trash talk them. Remember, though, this is all in good fun.

Ahem: “Scoreboard.” K-State is 2-1 all time against Minnesota, and has a two-game winning streak against the Gophers. In their latest matchup, the Wildcats shut Minnesota out, 35-0 in 1994.

And what a bunch of blue-blood snobs. Minnesota has seven national championships. You know who else has seven national championships? Oklahoma, and we hate those guys too! Five of their championships were during the Great Depression, and if I had to watch Minnesota in the national title game, I’d be depressed too.

The university isn’t even interested in keeping the $5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy rivalry, so it fell to fans to recreate the disappeared trophy. On top of that, who plays in a stadium named for a bank? That’s just gross.

Did you know Minnesota is hiding almost 2,000 lakes? It’s true. There are 11,842 lakes of 10 acres or more in the state, but they only advertise 10,000 of them. What are they hiding? How many bodies could one state dump in 1,800 secret lakes? Do you really believe that whole “Minnesota Nice” schtick? I’m not saying, I’m just implying.

Gophers will tear up your yard, and Garrison Keillor is a big dork. Powdermilk Biscuits aren’t even a real thing!