A Modest Proposal: for Preventing the Kansas State Fans from Being an Embarrassment to the School, being sad about sports, and for making them Properly Behaved for the almighty ruler, John Currie.
It is a melancholy object to those who travel through this great town or around the country, when they see the sidewalks, the stands, and the student section, crowded with vagabonds all clad in purple, followed by three, four, or six more of their own, all in purple rags and importuning every rival team with their chants. These purple people, instead of being able to behave for their hard working administration, are forced to engage all their time in trolling and ruining the atmosphere for their helpless rivals: who as they show up in Manhattan either seek therapy for what they have experienced, or leave their dear native school altogether to fight for sportsmanship across the nation, or sell themselves to the professional athletic organizations.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of unruly fans in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of this outstanding athletic administration, is in the present deplorable state of the Wildcat kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, rational, and easy method of making these Wildcat fans sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the EMAW nation.
But my intention is far from being confined to only the unruly fans of Kansas State; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the Kansas State faithful at a certain stage, who are viewed as the problem of Wildcat administration in the current era, as those who demand sportsmanship return to Kansas State in such effect where sports cease to exist.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many months upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of current athletic administration, I have since found them grossly in error with the computation. It is true, a fan just cheering for it’s favorite Kansas State sport may be vaguely supported by their athletic department for a solar year, with little other intervention; at most a fine for unsportsmanlike conduct., which the athletic administration may certainly get, as well as the value in season tickets, by their lawful sales of student passes; and it is exactly at one year into being a true Wildcat fan that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of cheering for a program they love upon John Currie or the athletic department, or wanting Big 12 championships and a winning season for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary be denied fandom, and all Kansas State sports as they cheer for them, will cease to exist.
There is likewise another great Advantage in my Scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary booing, and that horrid practice of students storming the court after defeating a top ranked team, alas! too frequent among the Big 12, sacrificing the poor innocent Jayhawks in the name of court storming, I doubt, more to avoid the KU tears, than the shame of our athletic administration, which would truly resonate with the Wildcat faithful across the nation.
But as to my self, having been wearied out for many years as a fan of a program that refuses to fire anyone (unless they refuse to reform to Currie), Bruceketball, despises having fun, and at length utterly despairing of success I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which as it is wholly new, so it hath substance and innovative idea, of no expense and little fallout, full in the power of our athletic department, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging King Currie. For this kind of removal of all sports programs at Kansas State will be nothing but fruitful for the university, the wounds being of too fresh in the hearts of Wildcat fans everywhere, to admit a long continuance in losing seasons and meaningless moral victories in football and then again as an eighth place men’s basketball team, although perhaps I could name an university, which would be glad to trade our athletic records as a school without any athletic programs at all.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in attempting to promote this clearly necessary work having no other motivation than seeking to prevent current and future Kansas State fans across the nation from sports induced depression, as well as outrage by the administration about unruly fans and their unsportsmanlike behavior, by ending the direct problem outright. This will be done by providing new hobbies for Kansas State sports fans, relieving the athletic department of the undaunted task of regulating such out of control fans, and giving some more focus on only academics and inevitable alcohol consumption. I have no experience running an athletic department, by which I can assure you is for the best since clearly those with many years of enforcing rules and ending all the fun having need assistance; we must act now to end Currie’s campaign to eventually take over the NCAA and end sports in the entirety of college sports in order to prevent booing and celebrations when you beat a rival team.