***This post is satire. All quotes were fabricated in the author's dull imagination.***
NCAA president Mark Emmert announced today that the NCAA has terminated Kansas State’s athletic department.
“As a result of events yesterday in Lawrence, Kansas, we will no longer permit K-State to participate in intercollegiate athletics,” Emmert said.
KU won its first Big 12 conference football game since November 8th, 2014, on Saturday in an overtime victory over 5-6 Texas. Afterward, the near-sellout crowd of almost 5,000 fans occupied the field and tore down a goalpost.
“This is dangerous activity, but it’s been modeled for them. Who could forget the Great Manhattan Chicken-Winging Incident?” Emmert said. “This is 2016. We know now that one group’s actions are usually the result of latent examples set for them by others.”
Emmert was referring to KU’s in-state rival, of course. After K-State defeated KU in basketball in 2015, the students stormed the court and Jamari Traylor was nearly knocked off balance by a wayward student. Kansas State administrators later announced that the student was executed on campus later that year.
The chicken-winging incident and a band incident in which K-State’s band depicted a Jayhawk giving a blow job led the Big 12 conference to dismiss K-State. When asked by a reporter today why K-State was still playing Big 12 conference games, Oklahoma president David Boren denied the report.
Conference commissioner Bob Bowlsby later released a statement claiming that Boren and other university presidents had secretly permitted K-State to continue playing conference games.
“We must uphold the sanctity of collegiate athletics,” Bowlsby said. “Exemplar institutions like Baylor should not be subjected to interaction with chicken-wingers and Jayhawk-porners.”
Kansas State athletic director John Currie said the school would accept its fate.
“We have fallen short of our goal of a model intercollegiate athletic department,” Currie said. “We responded to this intolerable conduct in the usual American, autocratic way, but it was too late. KU can’t be held responsible for these actions. We led them down this path.”
Asked how it was possible the football team has continued competing in conference games since it was dismissed from the conference, Currie blamed technology.
“Look, our coach is 130 years old or something, OK?” Currie said, testily. “We sent the notification out on Slack like we normally do, but Bill Snyder hasn’t upgraded his phone and doesn’t have the app.
Snyder did not respond to direct messages on Twitter requesting comment.