Scene: A posh airport hotel conference room in Irving, Texas. Men dressed in fine suits and combovers discuss the potential formation of a new nation. In the form of a rap battle.
Bowlsby: Ladies and gentlemen, you coulda been anywhere in the world tonight, but you’re here with us in Irving, Texas. Are you ready for a board of directors meeting?
The issue on the table: Secretary Houston’s plan to join the Big 12 and establish world domination. Secretary Texas, you have the floor, sir.
Secretary Texas: Life, liberty and a conference with 10 teams
We tripped into this result, we often settle for less
These are unwise words mediocre men quote ‘em
Don’t act surprised, you guys, OU wrote ‘em
But Houston forgets
His plan would have the conference assume the Coogs’ risk
Now, place your bets as to who that benefits
Only the seat of government where Third Ward sits
Secretary Houston: Not true!
Secretary Texas: Ooh, if the boot fits wear it
If Houston’s not that popular, why should Bevo bear it?
LHN gets us paid, I’m afraid, don’t burden Austin cuz we got it made in the shade
In Austin we have a brand that’s sound, we recruit,
You just wanna move our money around
This membership plan is an outrageous demand and it’s played in front of half-empty stands that even TCU thinks is a sham
Stand with me, in the conference of innumeracy
Pray to god we never see Houston’s candidacy
Look, when Nebraska complained we took away Prop 48s
Imagine what gon’ happen when you try to further dilute the state
Bowlsby: Thank you, Secretary Texas. Secretary Houston, your response.
Secretary Houston: Texas, that was a pathetic declaration
Welcome to the present, you’re running a floundering nation
Would you like us to join, or just suck playing defense like they do up there in Lubbock?
If you pick us up, your union gets
A national pundit’s wet dream, a coach who kisses his team
Are you just afraid of it? Houston’s aggressive and competitive
Coogs give your union a boost, you’d rather give it a sedative?
A demographics lesson from ATX, hey Tex,
Your brand was torpedoed by your coaching ex
“We have a brand that’s sound, we recruit,” keep ranting, Coogs are higher in the rankings
And another thing, Mr. College Football Enlightenment, don’t lecture me about this war, you made us fight in it
You think I’m frightened of you, cow?
We almost died in C-USA, while you were sinking with Coach February
Big Texan, always bossing around the presidents
Reticent, there isn’t a candidate he doesn’t jettison
Boren, u mad ‘bout your loss, son take your medicine
Damn, you in worse shape than Bevo’s brand is in
Sittin’ there useless as two shits
Oklahoma, in week one, I showed you where my shoe fits!
Bowlsby: Excuse me! Boren, Texas, take a walk, Houston, take a walk. We’ll reconvene after cookies and milk.
Secretary Houston: Sir!
Bowlsby: A word.
Secretary Texas: You don’t have the votes
Secretary Texas/Boren: You don’t have the votes!
You gonna need supermajority approval and you don’t have the votes!
Such a blunder, but Mandel will bring the thunder
Oh, he will bring the “you owe an apology” thunder
Bowlsby: You gonna pull yourself together?
Secretary Houston: I’m sorry, these Big Twelvians are birds of a feather.
Bowlsby: Young man, I herd these cats, so watch your mouth.
Secretary Houston: So we let our progress get held hostage by their brand?
Bowlsby: You need a narrative to sell.
Secretary Houston: No, this conference needs a coach with a diamond grill.
Bowlsby: Well, you need to convince more still.
Secretary Houston: Barry Switzer won’t talk to me, that’s a non-starter.
Bowlsby: Ahh, winning games was easy young man, making money’s harder.
Secretary Houston: They’re being unfair.
Bowlsby: They play at the state fair.
Secretary Houston: But they don’t have a plan, they just hate mine!
Bowlsby: [Listening to whispered updates from staff]
Secretary Houston: What happens if I don’t get university president approval?
Bowlsby: You won’t, we just got more money not to add anyone. Toodles!