Please note: this installment of EXPANSIONPALOOZA is meant to be (mostly) tongue-in-cheek. Make assumptions at your own peril.
In our obsessive need to make sure that the Big 12 has all the information it could possibly ignore regarding all possible expansion candidates, we now turn our rheumy eyes toward a school which once, long ago, was a member of the conference. Here to discuss the possibility of Texas A&M coming back home is the inestimable Rush Roberts (@drnorriscamacho), co-managing editor of SB Nation's excellent A&M site Good Bull Hunting.
Jon: We know it's been hard, moving to a new conference and being unable to claim lots of divisional titles even though that sort of thing is totally encouraged in Alabama. But other than that, why do you want to return to the Big 12?
Rush: It started out so well, but even the most diehard braggadocios are beginning to realize that a tie for 2nd place in the SEC West 5 seasons ago is not a strong bench upon which to rest one's laurels. Everyone knows that 5 conference wins automatically translates to 7-8 in the "big [equation/disaster/humorous insult lol] conference" and that we'd be guaranteed to be at or near the top every year. So we'd want to come back so we could win the Big 12 all the time, basically. Plus, who wants to party in places like Oxford or Nashville year in and year out when we could be going to Lubbock or Ames? No-brainer IMO.
Jon: How many A&M administrators will have to be disappeared in order to make this happen?
Rush: It's not that too many would need to be "disappeared" per se but perhaps some surplus funds or contracts or what have you could find their way to the appropriate entities IYKWIM. Half a billion dollar stadiums ain't cheap and if you want the privilege of playing at Kyle you gotta pay homage.
Jon: How much of the insanity that has infected College Station will you bring back with you, and how many blog posts per week will we manage to get out of it?
Rush: ALL OF IT and then some. We've rubbed elbows with some of the brashest fans in the country for half a decade and held our own. You think we were obnoxious when we were a middling Big 12 team? A middling SEC team's insanity is increased by a factor of AIN'T FACTORED NOBODY YET. And if we were indeed conferencemates again, we'd try to shoot for about 100 blog posts per week for the first year (in other words, approximately 25% of BON's output).
Jon: Do you think that if you returned to the Big 12, you'd finally get around to establishing a rivalry with Texas? It's really strange that you guys don't seem to care about one another at all. Like, not even a little bit.
Rush: No we don't care about them we moved on we don't need them at all they wanted to leave us now they need us back we don't need to help them nope don't care at all why should we help them maybe if they came begging because certainly no one in our fanbase gives a hoot about those jokers anymore
[/publishes article mocking Longhorn uniforms or something]
[//gets a million Facebook likes]
Jon: It's been a really long time since y'all were members. There are high school kids who barely even remember the last time A&M played K-State, because they were still in grade school! Refresh our memories. Why do WE want to come visit Kyle Field? What's great about College Station? What's your fanbase REALLY like (warts and all)?
Rush: Two things. One, we are CLASSY. I mean we are the classiest of class. Any Aggie will tell you. And since you're not gonna get Nebraska back, you need that school who is classy and not afraid to share that classiness with you. The class we would bring back to the conference is immeasurable. Also Kyle Field now features Wi-Fi.
Jon: And now, the big one. You have to sell yourself to the Big 12 now. That probably means either sucking up to Texas or sucking up to the other nine schools. You choose!
Rush: The other nine. Look, this isn't your humble and meek Byrne/Sherman-era school. We have some swagger now and some top brass that isn't afraid to run their mouths. We'll be the designated "that guy" who is constantly passively-aggressively sniping at the Longhorns because it's obvious we don't give a damn what people think about what we say. Y'all just email us your beef and we'll have our top guys on social media take all the heat for the rest of the conference. Everyone gets a voice and we get another outlet to show how little we actually care about Texas. Everyone wins.
Frankly, we think their five years in the wilderness have done some good. It may not have helped them any, but it's sure helped our content production team. What do you think? Should we open our arms and welcome Chocopockets back to the fold?