Bring on the Cats (BOTC) Managing Editor Jon Morse announced a public reprimand of Big 12 Commissioner Bob Bowlsby for the inappropriate use of a public reprimand stemming from the halftime performance of the K-State Pride of Wildcat Land Marching Band during Saturday’s football game vs. South Dakota.
"The actions of this conference in regards to taking all of the fun out of college athletics are inconsistent with the principles and expectations of a grand sport with traditions spanning several decades, nay, over a century," stated Morse. "I appreciate the utmost steadfastness of this conference in regards to protecting sportsmanship and facilitating camaraderie, but in this circumstance I believe they’ve gone too far. We hereby reprimand the use of this reprimand. Can I do that? Can I reprimand a reprimand? Is that like a double negative? Regardless, this is dumb, and we aren’t going to stand idly by while the Pride of Wildcat Land’s good name is besmirched in the name of political correctness."
Other staff members were not so measured in their comments. TB, founder of BOTC and Editor, stated, "This is a travesty and an outrage. I’m so angry that I could sue someone. Which I can do, because I’m a lawyer, and I’m pretty sure I can find something in there. You don’t think I can do that? Try me. What? I didn’t think so." He then started flexing and making weird, guttural noises.
Curtis Kitchen, also an Editor, made these remarks, "At first, when I saw all of this blowing up on Twitter, I thought it was just childish fun. However, as the situation has evolved, I’m prompted to look at it from all sides, gain the appropriate perspective, and give it a three dimensional treatment. However, it will probably still be pretty stupid."
Panjandrum, Editor, had this to say, "Today’s actions are inconsistent for normal, flesh-and-blood human beings with a brain and a sense of humor. However, these actions are consistent for a choad who finds a way to screw two teams out of a playoff spot and has the emotional range and personality of a can opener." After this, he went on a tirade against K-State Athletics Director, John Currie, who he believes is responsible for global warming, Taylor Swift’s unbelievable popularity, and why everyone is putting pumpkin spice into everything. He then started rambling on and on about the lack of good coffee in the BOTC offices, and how he can prove that Crystal Pepsi was misunderstood and deserves a second chance.
Various other editors and staffers didn’t feel the need to comment because they felt doing so would acknowledge the complete and utter stupidity of a public reprimand that even William Shatner thinks is ridiculous.
In other news, please be on the lookout for JT VanGilder, who has been seen wandering the streets of Manhattan with a clarinet, screaming, "I swear to God and all that’s holy, if I see Bowlsby, Currie, or (K-State President Kirk) Schulz, I’m going to shove this thing so far up their [redacted] that they’ll look like a flagpole!"
* The United Federation of Planets was contacted for a response, but it turns out that it’s really just a group of fanboys from Van Nuys who meet in a park on Saturday afternoons to discuss who would win in a traditional Klingon honor duel between Captain Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. However, they were all in agreement that we should fly out there and hang out sometime, and we definitely need to bring some girls with us. Like one girl would be fine. Someone that looks like a girl would be okay, too. They’re lonely and flexible.