NON-EXHAUSTIVE LIST OF THINGS THE BIG 12 MUST BAN

The Big 12 Conference issued an official reprimand for K-State today "for the inappropriate use of a member institution logo" during the band's halftime performance on Saturday. This is a true thing that actually happened. In real life and everything. And Bob Bowlsby actually issued the following quote:

"The actions of the marching band depicting the disintegration of a member institution's mascot was (sic) inconsistent with the principles and expectations of the Big 12 Sportsmanship and Ethical Conduct Policy."

No, seriously, I didn't make that up.

Given this new precedent, below is a non-exhaustive list of Big 12 traditions that must cease immediately. It's non-exhaustive because I'm not going to look through all the officially licensed t-shirts right now.

Baylor

The "Sic 'em Bears" cheer. Do you know how awful it would be to have a bear maul you? I don't want to get too graphic, but it would be unpleasant. Much, much worse than the fake disintegration of a fake rendering of a fake bird. This must end immediately.

Old Fight! -- You're going to notice a pattern here. Most schools depict fighting in their, ahem, fight songs. Fighting is illegal unless you're playing hockey or baseball. Such thuggishness can't be tolerated in the new Big 12.

Iowa State

I'm not even going to bother with Iowa State's fight song. It depicts fighting, but do you know what the name of the song is? The Iowa State Fight Song! This sounds like the beginning of a "who's on first?" episode. We should probably pity a group of people who bestow this name on their fight song, not punish them.

Rise Sons of Iowa State -- So sexist. What about the daughters? May they not fight, err, participate in spirited but friendly and sportsmanlike competition, too?

K-State

Everything. The entire institution should be disbanded by the Department of Education for being a den of iniquity. For disintegrating a depiction of a fellow conference institution's logo during a band show!!!!!

Kansas

Jayhawks -- From jayhawkers. We'd call them domestic terrorists today.

I'm a Jayhawk -- After specifically naming several current and former Big 12 mascots, it proclaims the jayhawk is the bird "to make 'em weep and wail." And that's just not very nice. It goes on to talk about ropin' some Horns and making the Red Raiders wail. Again, that's naughty.

Oklahoma

Boomer Sooner -- And not only because it sucks and is the worst song ever written (yes, worse than MMM-BOP). These people are calling themselves both Boomers and Sooners! You know what a Boomer and a Sooner are? People who entered land in the Oklahoma territory illegally before it was open for settlement.

OK Oklahoma -- Aside from having another stupid name, this song encourages the Sooners to "KO the foe." Frank Alexander took this exhortation literally. And was never penalized for it, either.

Oklahoma State

Pistols Firing -- Shooting handguns ain't done to maim, champ.

Pistol Pete -- They're not even Texans and they're obsessed with deadly weapons. But maybe Pete would feel safer if everyone around him didn't want to fight and knock people out and stuff.

Texas

Hook 'em, Horns -- Arguably refers to a bull goring a person with its horns. That's pretty awful (don't click that link, I beg you).

Texas Fight -- Seriously, pretty much every fight song talks about fighting. I'm just too lazy to list them all.

Texas Christian

Riff Ram -- Obviously intended to mock Christians who speak in tongues. Despicable.

Texas Tech

Guns Up -- This one is so similar to OSU's pistols firing that some people think one of the schools copied the other. In any event, guns don't kill people. People with guns kill people.

Fight, Raiders, Fight -- Contains the lyric "you'll hit 'em high, you'll hit 'em low, that's a chop block, bro." I made up that last part.

West Virginia

Mountain Dew -- It would be bad enough if this were about the soft drink Mountain Dew. But it's about moonshine (illegal) and getting buzzards so drunk they can't fly. Or something.

Mountaineer -- The mascot carries a gun. But at least it's a long gun.