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Big 12 Conference gives K-State the boot

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After an obscene display by the K-State Marching Band, the Big 12 has washed its hands of Kansas State. (kind of...)

Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

***This post is satire. All quotes, with one exception, were fabricated in the author's dull imagination.***

The Big 12 Conference took swift and severe action against K-State in response to an obscene display by the K-State marching band at halftime of the South Dakota game. A somber Bob Bowlsby announced this morning that K-State has been dismissed from the Big 12.

"Less than six months after the Great Manhattan Chicken-Winging incident, we once again find ourselves addressing intolerable conduct by Kansas State," Bowlsby said. "It's clear K-State and its fans cannot function in polite society. They'll have to take their act elsewhere."

Bowlsby said he was particularly disgusted by the direct attack on a fellow conference school.

"No school or its fans should be forced to put up with this behavior," Bowlsby said. "A mere six hours after a humiliating home loss for KU, and here's K-State rubbing it in KU's face. Literally."

In a tragicomic press conference, K-State president Kirk Schulz and athletic director John Currie got into a scuffle about who would take the podium first to issue profuse apologies. Ultimately, the two stood side by side and simultaneously read the following statement.

"We apologize to anyone who was offended or had to describe certain adult behavior to any children who may have been watching. This sanction is tough, but fair. We apologize to Bill Self, Bernadette Gray-Little, Dom Fambrough and Bob Fescoe.

Also, we repeat our previous apology to Jamari Traylor. The Manhattan Mauler has met with appropriate punishment, meaning he was executed in the basement of Kedzie Hall this summer."

K-State band director Frank Tracz was restrained and ultimately removed from the press conference, shouting "It was the Starship Enterprise! IT WAS THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE! I'M CAPTAIN KIRK!"

Schulz and Currie also said that all future band formations will be submitted to "college football Twitter" for prior approval.

K-State's football team will not be permitted to play its scheduled conference games this season. A contingent of curious Baylor students briefly circulated a petition to play the game, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

The Wildcats men's basketball team also will not compete in Big 12 play this season. A sobbing Bruce Weber implored the Big 12 to let K-State play KU in Manhattan. Bowlsby would not hear of it.

Jayhawk fans around the country reacted with relief.

"Thanks for making me explain to my kid what a blow job is," Steve Jones from Texas said.

"Our morally upstanding political leaders have predicted this for years," said Ann from Assaria. "You give an inch, and some people will take a mile. Others will depict penises in animals. It's disgusting."

K-State officials said they're still exploring their options.

"We have not determined next steps for conference affiliation at this time," Currie said. "We are in discussions with the Pac-12 and Conference-USA. Given the band behavior tolerated in those conferences, we believe it may be a better fit. And just in case nobody heard it earlier, we are very, very sorry to all KU fans."