Bret Bielema likes to kick ass. He likes to talk about kicking other people's asses. Based on extensive investigative reporting* we have compiled a list of all things for which Bret Bielema will kick your ass. Kicking ass is borderline erotic for Bielema, so the list is fairly long.
*In other words, we sat around, drank a beer or two, and let our minds run wild.
1. Not using a fullback.
2. Throwing the ball 70 times per game.
3. Not throwing the ball to your fullback.
4. Being a teammate.
5. Being an opponent.
6. Being an opposing coach.
7. Being a better coach than him.
8. Being an older coach than him.
9. Being a rival team.
10. Being a non-rival team.
11. Being a spectator.
12. Being a human.
13. Being an animal larger than a football.
14. Eating any breakfast not covered in a full half-inch of gravy.
15. Snapping the ball with more than 20 seconds remaining on the play clock (IT'S DANGEROUS)
16. Wearing Ray-Bans and v-necks on the sideline.
17. Suggesting that perhaps his wife should tone it down on Twitter.
19. Not wearing a blazer with gym shorts and flip flops.
20. You move too slow in practice.
21. You move too fast in practice.
22. You mention that one time (IT WAS RAINING)