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GUIDE TO KICKING [BUTT] BIELEMA STYLE

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Bret Bielema likes to kick as, uhh, butt. Here's your handy guide to avoid getting one from him.

Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

Bret Bielema likes to kick ass. He likes to talk about kicking other people's asses. Based on extensive investigative reporting* we have compiled a list of all things for which Bret Bielema will kick your ass. Kicking ass is borderline erotic for Bielema, so the list is fairly long.

*In other words, we sat around, drank a beer or two, and let our minds run wild.

1. Not using a fullback.

2. Throwing the ball 70 times per game.

3. Not throwing the ball to your fullback.

4. Being a teammate.

5. Being an opponent.

6. Being an opposing coach.

7. Being a better coach than him.

8. Being an older coach than him.

9. Being a rival team.

10. Being a non-rival team.

11. Being a spectator.

12. Being a human.

13. Being an animal larger than a football.

14. Eating any breakfast not covered in a full half-inch of gravy.

15. Snapping the ball with more than 20 seconds remaining on the play clock (IT'S DANGEROUS)

16. Wearing Ray-Bans and v-necks on the sideline.

17. Suggesting that perhaps his wife should tone it down on Twitter.

18. Getting arrested for DWI (NO HE'S NEVER BEEN ARRESTED FOR THAT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING AB...oh)

19. Not wearing a blazer with gym shorts and flip flops.

20. You move too slow in practice.

21. You move too fast in practice.

22. You mention that one time (IT WAS RAINING)