***In case you are especially dense or humorless, this post is satire. All quotes attributed to real people were fabricated in the author's dull imagination.***
In a solemn press conference, Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby announced a severe sanction against Kansas State University. The penalty is a response to the court-storming incident following K-State's game against KU in Manhattan.
Beginning immediately, K-State fans will be banned from attending all live sporting events involving any Big 12 team, including their beloved Wildcats.
"We recognize this is a serious sanction," Bowlsby said. "But chicken-winging cannot be tolerated. This sanction is absolutely necessary to prevent these thugs from wreaking havoc on college sports. This was a tragic incident that cannot be repeated."
The penalties extend to all current and former K-State students and all Ahearn Fund donors. Bowlsby was confident in the inclusiveness of the criteria.
"K-State's not the kind of school to draw a bunch of t-shirt fans," he said. "Banning those who've been tainted by the hooligan atmosphere in Manhattan should eliminate the problem."
When reached for comment, K-State athletic director John Currie said the sanction was tough, but fair.
"Sometimes, when one or two people out of 12,000 act out, they sully it for everyone. That's what we learned in kindergarten," Currie said. "Also, our internal investigation is ongoing, but we want to be sure and apologize to Sheahon Zenger, Bill Self, Bernadette Gray-Little, David Beaty, and any KU fans who were offended."
K-State university president Kirk Schulz echoed Currie's sentiment.
"We want to make sure that Sheahon Zenger, Bill Self, Bernadette Gray-Little, all coaches and students at KU, and all graduates of Johnson County Community College know that we are very sorry," Schulz said.
Other coaches around the Big 12 reacted with relief to the sanctions.
"Those fans in Manhattan have caused me permanent hearing loss, and they spoiled our chance at three straight Big 12 titles with their unsportsmanlike yelling," Art Briles said. "In fact, we have Ken Starr reviewing the game there in 2011 to see if we have a case for a forfeit."
Kliff Kingsbury agreed.
"They insulted my outfit and said our football team isn't very good when we were there," Kingsbury said. "It wasn't very nice."
Currie said he and athletic department officials are working on a plan to replace lost revenue from ticket sales. It's expected that t-shirts and DVDs commemorating each K-State victory in basketball and football would be a big part of the plan.
"It's all part of running a model intercollegiate athletic department. We need to be fiscally responsible," Currie said. "And in case I didn't mention it before, the investigation is ongoing, but we want to apologize again to Bill Self, Kurtis Townsend, and all those fine folks over in Lawrence."