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Big 12 Coaches: A Pro-Con Analysis

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The Circus provides vitally important intelligence on the Big 12's coaching fraternity.

One true trophy...an
One true trophy...an
Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

It's been a long offseason and your memory of real, actual football worsens by the day. But as we get closer to the start of the season, I am here to refresh your memory on who will be coaching during the Big 12, what they bring to the table, and what they forgot to pick up at the metaphorical grocery store.

ART BRILES

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Pros

  • Revolutionized the quarterback kneel
  • Floyd Casey stadium to be covered by 53-acre tarp, the way God intended it to be
  • Respects players too much to tell them they have been ejected
Cons
  • Baylor offense pulled over for speeding in July
  • Average-sized man in Texas-sized state
  • Designed upper deck in new stadium with no room for patio furniture, grill

MIKE GUNDY

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Pros

  • Trained skin to imitate school's primary color
  • Green hair dye only thing necessary for convincing Chia Pet costume
  • Attempts to intimidate quarterbacks into not playing scared largely successful
Cons
  • Has difficulty molding athletes into students
  • Shares strange kinship with Britney Spears
  • Broadway has shown no interest in any play he has written

DANA HOLGORSEN

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Pros

  • Tavon Austin, Geno Smith, Stedman Bailey, Charles Sims, Will Clarke, Bruce Irvin
  • Hair offered position as American Gladiator
  • Has racked up enough travel miles to pay for extended vacation after he is fired
Cons
  • Only possible to know either his velocity or location at any given time
  • Unaware that point surplus from 2011 Orange Bowl would not roll over to following seasons
  • Coach seat contributing to global warming

KLIFF KINGSBURY

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Pros

  • Already in your pants
  • Promotes culture of fearlessness, toughness by requiring defensive linemen to do own stunts
  • About as successful as a former third string NFL quarterback could hope to be
Cons
  • Took over three and a half years to finish 10K in passing yardage
  • Long hours required for coaching making it difficult to pursue more lucrative career as male model
  • Has nothing on Fred Hoiberg

GARY PATTERSON

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Pros

  • Runner-up in 1994 shoe-tying competition
  • Has ability to produce top-tier defense out of empty milk carton, paper clips, and 1962 Mets
  • Perfectly normal human being when he remembers to take his meds
Cons
  • Only successful as TCU head coach because of Dennis Franchione's players
  • Never able to realize full potential as middle school P.E. teacher
  • Could be coaching better, slightly less purple school instead

PAUL RHOADS

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Pros

  • Endorsement deal talks with Pride Cleaners progressing
  • Maintains good eye contact with crowd
  • Gives every player on team opportunity to not succeed
Cons
  • Would prefer if football was less like chess, more like checkers
  • Extreme phobia of lower case i's
  • Offensive coordinator has more wins, better record than him

BILL SNYDER

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Pros

  • Has strong family ties (probably)
  • Option to skip breakfast now available since Taco Bell added it to menu
  • Dreams in fluent coachspeak
Cons
  • From Missouri
  • Benefactor of a misquoted Barry Switzer saying Snyder has "crotch of a centipede"
  • Still refers to school as "Kansas Territory University"

BOB STOOPS

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Pros

  • Keeps family tradition alive by waking younger brother Mike up with noogie every morning
  • Brings state land thieving history to modern times by nabbing all his recruits from Texas, Kansas
  • Remarkable hunting ability earned him "big game Bob" nickname
Cons
  • In misinformed attempt to receive tax write-off by holding a criminal, now has undersized, talentless receiver from Missouri on roster
  • There has never been a president named Bob
  • National title from 2000 well past point of relevancy

CHARLIE STRONG

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Pros

  • One of the better coaches named Charlie in league
  • Lower salary than other coaching candidates prevents necessity for Texas to take up second mortgage on academic part of university
  • Removing/suspending half of team helps out rest of league, world
Cons
  • Has yet to produce a draft pick as Texas head coach
  • Not Nick Saban
  • Most likely will never win Super Bowl in current position

CHARLIE WEIS

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Pros

  • Larger than all offensive lines team will face this season
  • Terrible coaching meshes well with pile of crap on field
  • Ability to be utilized as Zorb after games keeping Allen Fieldhouse packed
Cons
  • Recruits too young to be able to capitalize on stardom from role as marshmallow man in GhostBusters
  • Players think referees should call travelling more often
  • Decided schematic advantage only valid when starting quarterback rhymes with "mom lady"