It has arrived. The time of year where yelling at the television is legal and an excessively crumb covered home gives the place its mojo back. Superstitions are full force and to some war paint is a must. The local bars and eateries prepare themselves for everything football along with all the personalities that come with it. Here are ten personalities you might face when attending the first college football watch parties of the season.
Football was never the intention of this spirit as they ventured to the party. While ordering drinks they may ask who's playing but shortly after will forget the question altogether. A couple hours and six pitchers later they will become the happiest person in the joint. "Drinks for everyone!" Oblivious to the fact our team just threw a pick six leaving us trailing 14-7 going into halftime. But before the night's over it will be game over for this soul. Words will become slurred, equilibrium will become non-existent, and a cab will be patiently waiting while friends help them into the car for a forgotten trip home.
If this one shows up be prepared to serve for a Thanksgiving feast. Operating on a no huddle offense with a never ending full plate, they will most likely be wearing multiple shirts in a prevent defense in case of any miscues or spills. They are extremely outspoken and always want to high five everyone with their dreaded appetizer stained hands. If you don't want that new polar bear rug you acquired for the season stained, my advice would be to keep Mr. Chow near the refreshments.
This fan relies on the crutch of the dramatics. Always the first to cheer but don't be surprised when anger comes out of this same being as if a demon has taken over their body. Don't worry. An exorcism (most likely) won't be needed. It's best to keep an arms length distance from this one at all times. Unless you enjoy wild flailing arms and legs occasionally connecting like that of a premier mixed martial artists. A few tears may be triggered and a sometimes nobody may be home. At the end of the day though this is one of the most loyal fans you'll ever find and the most exciting one to watch.
They have a love for their team more than their own family. Each have their own quirk to keep their team winning. From a lucky troll to a special dance, each play an essential role for keeping this one's sanity. Don't bet on them ever veering far from the action even during commercial break. Be very careful though because this fan is very contagious. If their special technique seems to be working, don't be surprised if you're rubbing that trolls head for luck next weekend. Their special dance might even become the next social media craze.
Usually the new kid on the block, the wannabe just wants to fit in. You may find them decked out in the local college's attire. Hats, lanyards, shirts and even socks. This one is hard to miss. Having no knowledge of players or coaches alike they will try to come off as if they've been a fan for years. So we set them up for failure. "So do you think Ryan Mueller will be a dominating force this year?" First a small pause will take place then an answer will develop. "Well I think if he works and plays hard every game he may become just as good as Joe Montana!" No further questions, your honor.
Everyone's a critic of their beloved team but Coach Nada takes this to a whole new level. Playing the role of bar side coach every play and player will be critiqued for the entirety of the game. Stating their opinions of how the team would be ran if they were coach, one slowly tries to block out their existence. Lacking the ability to probably coach their way out of their own socks, Coach Nada becomes annoying very quickly. Don't quit your day job coach, because where I'm sitting you know zip, zilch, nada.
We all remember our glory days where we were in decent shape and in some cases dominated the field. Memories are never forgotten, but sometimes in Uncle Rico's defense there's a sense of regret. Full of detailed stories of when they were on top of the world brings a shine back to their face. Then the dreaded injury or play that ended it all strikes when they least expect it. Emotions start to get the best of them and what if's start to take over. Forever will have a love for the sport, but will never get over the fact they will never fill that void of happiness.
It's Saturday, the sun is out and in one hour college football will take over the likes of the materialistic world. I stroll down to my favorite pub sit down and order my usual beverage. A body sits down beside me which is normal. Then they turn and look at me with that I think I know you expression. Avoiding eye contact we carry on as usual. Then they ask, "Hey, don't I sit behind you in Modern Civics?" I casually nod as they continue to tell their life story. All I wanted was a casual football Saturday and here I am listening to how you acquired that awful sweater with a mangy cat glued on it that you got from your grandmother. Never saying a word the one-sided conversation continues until I decide to say my good-bye's and retire to the comfort of my home.
JACK OF ALL TRADES MASTER OF NONE
You meet this character they've done it all. They know a guy who is friends with a celebrity and rode on his yacht in the Mediterranean. Also traveled to every corner of the world and worked in every trade the market has to offer. They once wrestled a bear in the circus and their twice removed great uncle was a founder of Snickers. But little do they know we can see right through their fables and know they are only looking for attention. We appreciate the effort but just being yourself suits us just fine.
This sore thumb in the crowd we have a love/hate relationship with. If bad came to worse, the slow clap guy would rate higher than them by far. They are the only one at the party with the opposing teams colors and only to get under your skin. Constantly in your ear degrading the team you would defend as if it were your own family, and the only one cheering when the tables turn into the opponent's favor. If your team is losing, you will never hear the end of it from this walking peanut gallery, but if your team pulls off the win, suddenly this figure vanishes from the room.