Uncovering Big 12 Coaches' Next-Level Schemes

Any coach worth his salt knows there’s only so far you can get with Xs and Os and Jimmies and Joes. Everyone’s looking for an edge, but who has one? Our deep cover sources have unearthed each team's secret weapons.

Baylor

They have a new stadium next to a seemingly innocuous body of water. A body of water that may happen to flood the field at strategically convenient times, parting and swallowing up the enemy as needed. Our sources tell us not to expect it to be operational this season, but when American University Cairo gets added to the schedule, we’ll know the time has come.

Iowa State

Iowa State’s teams will have the best catered away games thanks to the tireless scouting efforts of Mark Mangino.

Kansas

Removal of the track around the stadium brings hope that opponents will be confused into thinking they are playing in the wrong high school stadium, panic, and leave; thus allowing the Jayhawks to secure victory via forfeit. This might double the chances of a conference win for KU.

Kansas State

Buried deep in the rules and unknown to many, old coaches are allowed to grandfather in rules from their own playing days. When it’s fourth and goal in the title game and you see a leather clad man riding a horse, you won’t have to guess who’s getting the ball; after all, horses don’t have hands.

Snyder’s coaching tree is broad and deep. The training of his staff is rigorous and more thorough than even they know. Hayden Fry had a few theories from his psychology days, but Bill had the will to implement them. "Would you kindly pass me that playbook?"

Oklahoma

Thanks to Carol Stoops and her access to Mary Kay’s cutting edge makeup, the Sooners possess the most photogenic team in the land. This results in favorable press coverage, particularly in regard to the Heisman race. Also, Trevor Knight never has to worry about his receivers losing balls in the sun thanks to the best eye black you’ve ever seen.

Oklahoma State

Sacks of gold coins are strategically placed on the path leaving the visitor’s locker room of T. Boone Pickens Stadium. Thieves are encumbered; with guilt, sure, but mostly with heavy, heavy gold.

Texas Christian

It’s taken decades of backroom medical research, but TCU is finally able to give its players the ability to squirt blood from their eyes. Expect a big "helmets, especially those with face shields, only encourage dangerous play and should be banned" push.

TCU has also expanded its budget so Gary Patterson can afford two belts. With belt specialization we can expect a decline in both pants hitching and player misconduct.

Texas

Charlie Strong’s Longhorns will be more difficult to prepare for than previous Texas teams because at this rate, there won’t be any players left with game film to study.

Texas Tech

It’s no secret Kliff Kingsbury is using his charm on the media, recruit’s mothers, and the odd recalcitrant Lubbock sand gypsy. He will turn your cheer squad into a fifth column; secretaries will end up with one extra copy of papers that never find their way to the shredder. Kliff notes indeed.

West Virginia

Animal magnetism. Literally. Holgo has dominion over wild life. The more feral they are, the more kinship they possess, a situation remarkably similar to his figurative animal magnetism with those women who enjoy tugging the one-armed bandit.