There was so much bad football around the country last weekend, including in the Big 12, that I thought it would be fun to compare teams in their current state to some of the worst band names of all time. Only Baylor escapes the ridicule because, like, did you see what the Bears did? Again?
1. Baylor Bears (6-0, 3-0) — STOMP. The theatrical mastery that is this offense is still fresh as ever after its 71-7 thrashing of Iowa State. BU's average game score is 64.7-16.2. KU is up next.
2. Oklahoma Sooners (6-1, 3-1) — Puddle of Mudd. Blake Bell is slogging through it. The Stoops brothers were verbally slinging it at each other during the KU game. The elite defense from the beginning of the year is teetering on the edge of the mucky injury abyss.
3. Texas Tech Red Raiders (7-0, 4-0) — Faster Pussycat. Kliff Kingsbury's quick-draw guns are still blazin' as his Red Raiders now must survive a heavy arms conflict with the Sooners in Norman.
4. Texas Longhorns (4-2, 3-0) — Cradle of Filth. Somehow, nobody outside of Mack Brown is happy about the Longhorns winning their last three games. It builds a case against boosters who want him out, and opposing coaches have to play against a rejuvenated Texas team.
5. Oklahoma St. Cowboys (5-1, 3-1) — UB40. No matter how awful your QBs are this year, Mike, you'll always be 40, and a man, to us.
6. Kansas St. Wildcats (2-4, 0-3) — Limp Bizkit. At one point, Bill Snyder said the coaches weren't coaching the offense right. Last week, he put it on the QBs. Either way, the Big 12 results have been flaccid.
7. TCU Horned Frogs (3-4, 1-3) — The The. Boring and repetitive, Gary Patterson's team tries to make the other team's life as miserable as its own, and can't really even do that right this season as the Frogs continue to win one week and lose the next.
8. West Virginia Mountaineers (3-4, 1-3) — Porno for Pyros. A naked Mountaineer fan on a burning couch would be cause for more excitement than the announcement that Clint Trickett is the starting QB from here until Dana Holgorsen changes his mind again.
9. Iowa St. Cyclones (1-5, 0-3) — Test Icicles. Only thing worse for the Cyclones than losing in the warmer early part of the year is doing so in Ames come late fall and winter.
10. Kansas Jayhawks (2-4, 0-3) — The Shitty Beatles. A fictitious band (courtesy of Wayne's World) for a fictitious team. Charlie Weis burned a kid's redshirt after blaming a first-half momentum switch on the wind. His offense is averaging 18.3 ppg (114th in FBS). As Wayne suggested, it's not just a clever name.