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KSU football's dream season

Kellis will have no hope of getting this close to HBCK if he becomes the Heisman favorite. Photo Credit: Kevin Jairaj-US PRESSWIRE
Kellis will have no hope of getting this close to HBCK if he becomes the Heisman favorite. Photo Credit: Kevin Jairaj-US PRESSWIRE

Two years ago, David Ubben projected best case/worst case scenarios for every Big 12 team. Overall, he figured about right for K-State that season, even though he actually said "I don't see them beating Texas" in a best-case scenario. LOL.

The feature didn't exist last year, which is sad, because if his (not actually unreasonable) preseason ballot was any indication, K-State would likely have exceeded its best-case scenario. Money quote: "the Wildcats miss the postseason." Double LOL.

Anyway, I'd really love to see the feature come back this season, so I'm giving Ubben a little help by giving some guidance for this year's Wildcats. We'll start with the dream (same as best-case, just more dra scenario, of course.

A three-game winning streak to start the season should be expected, so let's up the stakes a little here and say the ‘Cats win all three games by at least three touchdowns. You have to imagine this team will be motivated by those people who are still claiming K-State was "lucky" just because they won so many close games and completely defied everything the genius computers told us about what it takes to win football games.

Whether Bill Snyder actually cares about all of that is another question entirely, but let's go ahead and assume he doesn't decide to try an experiment that involves Collin Klein throwing the ball 50 times in a game. Or maybe the dream scenario involves that happening successfully? I'm confusing myself.

Anyway, in order for this to actually be taken seriously*, even in the dream scenario K-State must lose at Oklahoma. I don't want to give the impression that I think a win is absolutely impossible, so let's say this happens on a last-second field goal, or maybe a failure by the officials to set the ball down in time on KSU's last drive. I know, I know. That's too ridiculous to ever really happen.

*Looking back now after I've written the whole thing and let my imagination get the best of me, I realize this is highly unlikely. But it's worth a try, and plus, I don't want to do anything that might upset the Sooners or the College Football Gods. You know, the ones who every OU fan believes pre-ordain their team to be in the top 10 every year.

The next week, Kansas State is so angry they beat Kansas 70-0, and Charlie Weis resigns in disgrace after the game, noting "I'm shocked I haven't had a heart attack yet" before handing the coaching reins to Dave Campo as Sheahon Zenger kneels in the corner to pray for basketball season. Wildcat fans show empathy to the lone non-family member KU football fan who made the drive from Lawrence by loaning him a purple blanket for his tears, and it touches him so deeply that he buys a Rodney McGruder jersey on his way out of Manhattan.

In Ames, Iowa State scores at the last-second on an improbable Hail Mary to only lose by a touchdown, but still no one is the wiser about the secret contract hastily signed by a desperate and congenial Ron Prince after the 2007 embarrassment in Ames to keep every game within one possession. The Cyclones are obviously still thrilled about how well that's working out, and KSU's lawyers continue feverishly looking for loopholes.

By this time in the season, all of the West Virginia hype is looking about as smart as London's incessant warnings to citizens to stay home and avoid the massive crowds throughout the city during the Olympics. Collin Klein and co. run over the Mountaineers, and many couches are burned. Or do they burn fewer when they lose? I'm still learning about our new friends.

Texas Tech deserves only half a sentence, so we move on to Oklahoma State. In Manhattan, without Justin Blackmon or Brandon Weeden, this is a no-brainer in a realist scenario, so it's a blowout in a dream scenario.

TCU certainly presents a challenge, but the Klein train is rolling at full-speed now and another spectacular game with some clutch play earns a narrow victory and puts him in the driver's seat for the Heisman. K-State moves on to Baylor, where the ‘Cats crush the Bears in front of a decent-sized purple crowd as every football fan in Waco stays home to play as RGIII in NCAA Football '13.

Just to flaunt the ‘Cats dominance over Texas, Snyder gives his team a vacation for the entire bye week, though of course he continues working 25-hour days. The well-rested KSU team rolls over UT on Dec. 1 as the Honey Badger (which is what even Tyrann Mathieu is calling Klein now) locks up the Heisman on Senior Day.

Oklahoma got surprised a couple of times (let's say by Texas and TCU), so K-State ends up winning the Big 12 title outright with its 8-1 (11-1 overall) record. However, USC runs the table (seriously, they get Oregon at home and don't play anyone else) and a one-loss SEC team not named Missouri or Texas A&M sneaks in ahead of K-State because of Ess Eee See speed.

Much to everyone's dismay, the Wildcats get matched up against surprise Big East champion Syracuse in the Fiesta Bowl and beat them by seven touchdowns, with a salute after each one. Since KSU in a national championship would turn the college football world upside down*, this is how the dream season must end.

*Really, the Klein Heisman Trophy may be pushing the envelope too far. Just imagine all the "he's not even a real QB!" objections by the so-called purists.

Nightmare season to come in the near future. Please note that in deference to karma, absolutely no injuries will be included, or even spoken of. Don't even whisper.