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Adventures of the Big 12: Bon Voyage

Well, there really isn't much to say. The "Adventures" that have been fun for me to write (when the mood struck me) have run their course, and the family that we've grown to love will now be down two members. So, most likely, this will be the last we hear from our obnoxious and profane dysfunctional family.

Click the jump for the final chapter. Bon Voyage, friends.

(It's a warm July day in Dallas. However, inside the Big 12 Headquarters, there's a slight chill...)

(Missouri rolls his chair out of his cubicle and starts tapping his feet on the carpeted tile floor...)

Missouri: Weird day.

Kansas State: Yeah, but we've known this has been coming for about a year now. So, we've all gotten used to the idea.

Missouri: But won't you feel a little empty inside? They've been with us forever. I mean, we were a family, you know?

Kansas State: A dysfunctional family. Personally, I'm not all that sad to see them go. Colorado showed up late every day and usually called in sick at least once every other week. Yet he still got a check. Now we split his check for doing the same amount of work. I'm good with that.

Missouri: What about Nebraska?

Kansas State: Fuck that guy.

(Texas Tech stops by after hitting the can and overhearing the conversation as he walks back to his cube...)

Texas Tech: Fuck what guy?

Kansas State: Nebraska.

Texas Tech: Oh, yeah. Fuck that guy.

Oklahoma State: Are you guys talking about Nebraska?

Missouri: Yep.

Oklahoma State: Man, what a fucking chode. I'm so glad he's leaving. Did you know that he drinks at least two pots of coffee every day and he's never, and I repeat NEVER, made one pot himself?

Kansas State: Yeah, I know. When Kansas asked him about it once, he said we should thank him for the coffee because he was bringing in the big money, and he didn't owe shit or need to brew one pot.

Texas Tech: Well, what he doesn't know is that every time we make the "double-strong", you know, the pots with Post-It that has the two X's on it, it's not a second scoop of Folgers. We've been telling A&M to make a "whizzy in the small potty", so he usually takes a leak in it before Nebraska gets to work, and then the Post-It goes on.

Missouri: That's disgusting. I can't believe you do that.

Kansas State: I think I've had a cup of that before...

Texas Tech: Don't worry. I think most of you probably have. It's worth it, though. Nebraska's been drinking it every day for over a decade.

Missouri: A&M has been sticking his dick in a hot coffee pot for the last ten years?

Oklahoma State: Eleven, actually, it was right after Nebraska won his last football title.

Texas Tech: And, really, you probably haven't noticed because A&M sticks his dick in everything.

(A banging sound can be heard in the next row of cubes...)

Missouri: Aaaaaaand there's the 8:30 lovemaking session with the Xerox machine.

(Texas A&M's grunting becomes louder...)

Texas Tech: Wait for it...

Texas A&M: Yeeeaaaaahhhhhooowwww!!!

Oklahoma State: Outstanding.

(The sound of a copy comes out of the machine. Texas Tech yells over the cube wall...)

Texas Tech: We're going to need for you to file that away, A&M!

Texas A&M: Okay! I'll put it in the file!

Missouri: What in God's name did you tell him to file away?

Oklahoma State: Every time he finishes, he prints off a copy, and we've been storing them up for a few years now. We're making a collage for Nebraska's going away present.

Kansas State: Dear God. That's horrible.

Texas Tech: At the center of the collage is a picture of Texas having sex with Nebraska's girlfriend, A&M pissing in his coffee, and Oklahoma tea bagging him after he passed out at a party a few years back.

Oklahoma State: It's actually tastefully done.

Texas Tech: Quite.

(Nebraska comes wandering by...)

Oklahoma State: Hey Champ! Big day! Coffee is in the break room!

Nebraska: Thanks losers.

Texas Tech: (Mutters...) Hate you, too...

(Texas is heard whistling as he comes in...)

Texas Tech: 8:35 huh?

Texas: Yeah, I felt like coming in early. I've got a lot of work to do today.

Kansas State: What do you have going on?

Texas: Well, I've got some meetings about my new network, I've got a lunch with Beebe, and I needed to make sure I got here to pour sugar in Nebraska's gas tank before he left today.

Oklahoma State: Mission accomplished?

Texas: Affirmative.

Oklahoma: Hey, dickhead, sign this going away card.

Texas: We got him a card?

Oklahoma: Of course we got him a card. Someone sign this damn thing, I need to get it to him today, and I've got meetings for most of the morning.

Kansas State: I'll sign it. Okay, this is hilarious.

Texas: What does it say?

Kansas State: The cover says, "Wherever your journey may take you..."

Texas: Classy start...

Kansas State: "May you get ass raped by a homeless person and die of ass herpes."

Texas: Hmpf.

Oklahoma: Don't get all preachy on us. You're the reason he's leaving.

Texas: No, he's leaving because he's a narcissistic ass. I thought we were going to take the high road?

Oklahoma: Well, yeah, we talked about taking the high road, but this is a lot more fun.

Texas: I hate it when you're right.

Colorado: Brosephs!

Missouri: Sup, dude.

Colorado: Not much, man, not much. Just came to collect the last of my things, do an exit interview, and then I'm going to head to the airport.

Texas: What time do you get to L.A.?

Colorado: Oh, later tonight. I've already got a condo in Huntington Beach, so I'll just head out there when I'm done here.

Oklahoma: What time do you meet with Dan?

Colorado: Eleven. That's the last thing I've got to do before I head out.

Oklahoma: Well, if we don't get to see you later, we may as well give you your going away gift now.

Colorado: You guys seriously got me a gift? I figured there would be a lot of hard feelings...

Texas: Not at all. You set in motion a chain of events that made us all a lot of money and got Nebraska to pay us to leave. It was a win-win.

Colorado: I guess I'll take that as a compliment.

Texas: It's the best you're going to get, so, I would.

Oklahoma: Here it is...

(Oklahoma hands over a new surfboard...)

Colorado: Oh, man, this is gnarly.

Kansas State: It looks like you have the lingo down already.

Colorado: You know. I didn't want to be the total outcast with my new friends, so I figured I'd rent a couple of movies and get a feel for what folks out in California like. You guys ever seen "Bill and Ted"? What a great flick.

Texas Tech: Looks like it was a solid investment.

Missouri: Looks like someone missed the last twenty years stoned out of his mind.

Colorado: Man, you guys are crazy. I'm going to miss you.

Texas: We'll miss you too, man. Before you take off today, you need to head to HR to work out that payment plan.

Colorado: Payment plan? You guys are really going to make me pay that?

(Oklahoma takes the surfboard back...)

Oklahoma: You'll get this after your first payment.

Colorado: That's harsh, bro.

Texas: It's business. We're all about it these days. Well, have a good day and an even better life. Please make sure to turn in your badge and your parking pass.

Oklahoma: Who died and made you Beebe?

Texas: Let's just drop the act, okay? Now that Jerry Garcia is about to make his pilgrimage to the promised land...

Colorado: Hey!

Texas: Don't you have a urine sample to procure somewhere? Get hopping. You have two hours to clean out your desk before your exit interview. If you don't leave, we're going to tell A&M that you have chocolate in your pockets.

Colorado: You wouldn't dare!

Texas: Really? A&M! Colorado has chocolate in his pockets!

(A chair falls over and the sound of a man running full speed on the other side of the cube wall fills the room...)

Texas A&M: Chocapockets! Chocapockets! CHOCAPOCKETS!!!!!!!!


(Colorado runs away at full speed while Texas A&M chases after him without his pants on...)

Kansas State: Why does he always do that when you tell him someone has chocolate in their pockets?

Texas: Do you really think I know why he does what he does? He's like a force of nature. Unpredictable, indiscriminate in his destruction, yet prone to unleashing his fury on trailer parks.

(Texas Tech has a Vietnam style flashback...)

Oklahoma: It will be okay, dude. It will be okay.

(Texas Tech screams after Colorado...)

Texas Tech: Don't let him catch you; for the love of God...RUN! RUN!!!

Texas: As I was saying, now that the deadweight is taking off, and Nebraska won't be blocking us with their delusions of self-importance, we can get to the business of making money, and I'm going to show all of you how it's done.

Kansas State: Hell yes!

Missouri: I'm not sure I'm 100% okay with this.

Oklahoma: Pipe down. You'll take the money and like it.

Oklahoma State: Here's $10,000 dollars, compliments of the new TV deal our football crazy states helped secure. You're welcome.

Missouri: Concerns addressed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go inquire about a boat.

(Kansas walks by with a three-hole punch in one hand and a stapler in the other...)

Kansas State: What are you doing?

Kansas: Nothing.

Missouri: Are you really taking Nebraska's stapler?

Kansas: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Missouri: So, that's your red Swingline with "Go Big Red" engraved on it?

Kansas: Prove it's not mine.

Kansas State: Is there anything you won't steal?

Kansas: I'll defer all of these questions to my lawyer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to call my probation officer.

(Kansas walks away and Missouri turns to look at Texas...)

Missouri: You couldn't have gotten him shipped out?

Texas: Are you kidding me? Would you invite a no-good, lousy, rotten, pathological liar and thief into your conference? I tried trading him to Conference USA for Central Florida and Memphis pulled a knife on me. Besides, with Turner Gill and his contract, it's nearly one guaranteed win a year for all of us for the next four years.

Kansas State: Amen to that!

Oklahoma: Has anyone seen Baylor?

Texas Tech: He's on a mission trip.

Oklahoma: When did he plan that?

Texas Tech: I don't know if it was really planned. All he said was that Scott Drew needed to get out of the country pronto. I didn't get an address, but he said if we need to find him, I need to go to a Lowe's in Waco, ask for a guy named ‘Pablo Escobar', bring him $500 in cash, and have the name of at least one recruit in need of a low interest loan.

Texas: We'll deal with him later. Now, has anyone seen Nebraska?

Missouri: I just saw him in the fridge eating his going-away cake.

Kansas State: Who got him a cake?

Texas: I did. Don't worry, it's filled with laxatives. I knew he'd eat it before we had a chance to give it to him. I figured it was the least I could do.

Oklahoma: I hate you, love you.

Texas: I know.

(Nebraska walks past the group with the corners of his mouth covered in cake frosting...)

Nebraska: Well, you pathetic Texas-worshippers, I'm out of here.

Texas: Don't you have an exit interview with Dan?

Nebraska: Like I care. I'm out of here as soon as I find my stapler. Have you seen my stapler? It's a red Swingline.

Missouri: Can't say that I have.

Nebraska: Well, if you guys can't find it, I'll just bill it to the conference.

Texas: Or we'll just take it out of the millions you owe us.

Nebraska: Like I'll ever pay that.

Texas: I suggest you head over to HR and get that handled.

Nebraska: Whatever. Have a nice life, losers.

Texas: Iowa State...

(Iowa State looks around and then looks at Texas...)

Iowa State: Me? I didn't think you knew my name.

Texas: Don't push it. Lock the doors.

Iowa State: Y-y-yes, sir.

Texas: A&M!!!

Texas A&M: What Terry?

Texas: Nebraska has chocolate in his pants.

(The sound of a man running at full speed, while taking his clothes off, can be heard from across the room...)

Texas A&M: CHOCAPOCKETS!!!!!!!!!

(Texas A&M tackles Nebraska...)


The End