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A Quick Primer for the Big 12 Tournament

Every year, thousands of fans descend upon whatever city hosts the Big 12 tournament, and the fans of our (currently) twelve member institutions mix and mingle in one enclosed space. What results from that is mostly unpredictable and sometimes humorous.

For those of you who have never attended a Big 12 tournament, feel free to use the provided primer to help you navigate your way though the four days of fun and excitement.

Fact #1: Follow Iowa State fans around on Wednesday. Ultimately, after they lose, you'll be able to pick up cheap tickets. Also, they'll most likely buy you a beer because they're unbelievably nice. They're like Canadians. They may actually be Canadians; I have no idea. I've never actually seen Iowa State in person, so I can't verify that it exists inside the continental United States. Regardless, they usually come down in sizable numbers and leave early because they don't want to be reminded about how far they've fallen as a program, and the fact that they hired the guy from "Thank You For Smoking" as their basketball coach.

Fact #2: Every single KU fan you run into actually went to Washburn or Johnson County Community College. None of them actually went to KU. The only real KU alumni in the building are actually working at the concession stands.

Fact #3: If you encounter a Nebraska fan, kindly point them towards Municipal Auditorium. They are lost and looking for the Women's tournament. Point them in the right direction and do your good deed for the day.

Fact #4: Colorado will bring more people to Kansas City on their team bus than fans who will actually make the trip. If you encounter a Colorado fan, take a picture and send it to the Missing Persons hotline in the greater Denver area because someone is obviously looking for them.

Fact #5: Every KSU fan in attendance bought their ticket from TB.

Fact #6: If you're wondering how a bunch of Target employees got bench seats, they didn't. It's actually the Texas Tech coaching staff. I know; I was confused too.

Fact #7: Texas fans in attendance could give a rat's ass about how the games actually go. They just flew up to Kansas City to have some real barbecue for a change.

Fact #8: If you talk shit to Baylor fans, they will start talking women's basketball smack. If you watch women's basketball, feel free to fire back. I have nothing to offer in that exchange, so I can't help you.

Fact #9: Be nice to Missouri fans. They're your best ally in the Power and Light district against the crimson and blue onslaught. They're also most likely to lie to the cops on your behalf after you punch that KU fan in the face outside of Pizza Bar.

Fact #10: I literally have nothing to say about Oklahoma. I just think about their basketball program, and it makes me sad.

Fact #11: Oklahoma State fans will show up thinking they have a chance to win this thing. It's really, really cute.

Fact #12: Most Texas A&M fans will actually be Wichita State fans that haven't quite let go of Turgeon yet. If you see someone in a Wichita State shirt, you can probably bet money that they're rooting for A&M.

Fact #13: Should KSU and KU win on Thursday, John Higgins will call the KSU vs. KU game on Friday. KU will then shoot twice as many free throws as KSU and win by at least ten points.