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Adventures of the Big 12: eHarmony Profiles

Yes, friends, they're back.  Given how much discussion there's been lately regarding certain schools moving to different conferences, the guys figured that they better polish up their resumes.

And what better place to put yourself out there than

Click the jump to see what our old friends have to offer any potential suitors.


Funny Or Die Presents: Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile (via FunnyorDie)


Beware...foul language exists after the jump!!!


ID: 64783211

Personality Type:  White Trash Superstar

I'm looking for:  A conference that will allow me to bring my band with me everywhere I go so they can play the same two songs over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.  And cheap beer.  And whores.  Yeah, cheap beer and whores would be good.

Hobbies & Interests:  I like football, cheap beer, whores, Toby Keith, and tenderizing sweet country girls in the back of my jacked-up F-150 while listening to The Marshall Tucker Band.

Why should you pick me?: If you're looking for a school that will monopolize your conference championships in football, but continuously choke in the big BCS bowl games, I'm your man.



ID: 30312435

Personality Type: Stoner

I'm looking for: Wherever the Queens of the Stone Age are playing next. If they frequent schools in your conference, I'm so there, man.

Hobbies & Interests: Smoking weed, drinking, eating Cheetos, and staring at shit on my walls while the black light is on. I'm pretty much down for anything. Except for sports. Sports fucking suck, man.

Why should you pick me?: I have every Dead album in existence, I always have a bag of Funyuns no matter where I go, and I'm holding, like, all the time.


Kansas State

ID: 23375654

Personality Type: Alcoholic

I'm looking for: A conference that's okay with me blowing all of my money after going on a serious bender (or three) and completely ignoring major sports for decades at a time.

Hobbies & Interests: Drinking alone, picking fights with officials, journalists, and talk radio hosts, and hiring offensive coordinators from the ACC after I've spent two weeks getting wasted in Tijuana.

Why should you pick me?: During my moments of sobriety, I actually tend to win some damn games. But, I'm not sober that often, so...yeah.



ID: 13492854

Personality Type: The Lord's Humble Warrior

I'm looking for: A conference devoid of wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. I'm also tired of getting my ass kicked in football.

Hobbies & Interests: Serving Jesus Christ and telling everyone about it. Like, all the time. Did you know that I got into carpentry because Jesus, our Lord and Savior, was a carpenter? I also enjoy listening to Michael W. Smith, watching Joel Osteen, and praying for the misfortune of these heathens I'm stuck with.

Why should you pick me?: Because you haven't heard my testimony yet you Godless sinner.


Texas Tech

ID: 66621114

Personality Type: Former Pirate

I'm looking for: A new personality because Tommy Tuberville sure as shit doesn't have one, and watching a Pat Knight coached basketball team is about as much fun as watching a bass fishing tournament on Versus.

Hobbies & Interests: Well, I used to enjoy rebelling against society and watching my football team put up gaudy offensive statistics, but now I'm just content to sit on my ass, drink wine coolers, and pretend to care about watching the Euroleague stars of tomorrow suit up in black and red twice a week.

Why should you pick me?: Lubbock is probably warmer than where you are if your conference is mainly above the Mason-Dixon line.



ID: 24517865

Personality Type: Narrator

I'm looking for: A conference that will let me win a damn conference championship in a major sport every few years. Christ, it's not like I woke up this morning and thought, "Hey, I really want to continue being the MacGuffin today."

Hobbies & Interests: Describing things that go on around me, and moving the story along. You know, like kicking around the notion of joining the Big Ten, which in turn brought about this entire post.

Why should you pick me?: I'm good enough to not embarrass you, and I'm mediocre enough to not really threaten the power teams in your conference.



ID: 666

Personality Type: Criminal/Liar/Cheat

I'm looking for: A conference that will continuously allow me to break rules and not get punished for it. I have that already, so I'm just kind of floating this out there as a backup plan.

Hobbies & Interests: Finding ways to circumvent NCAA rules, win conference and national titles while being on probation, and sacrificing virgins to pay Satan for all of the good shit that he's given to me over the years.

Why should you pick me?: If you don't, I'll kill you. I'm serious. I know how to make it look like an accident too.



ID: Not Listed

Personality Type: Big Dick Player

I'm looking for: The highest bidder

Hobbies & Interests: Spending money, collecting conference championships in non-revenue sports, monopolizing conference TV dollars, and stockpiling the best athletes in the state of Texas year in and year out.

Why should you pick me?: I don't really give a damn. I thought that I was actually posting this shit on


Oklahoma State

ID: 88871254

Personality Type: New Money

I'm looking for: A conference that's going to help me get paid. That's pretty much it.

Hobbies & Interests: I don't really care about winning anymore, which is pretty obvious. I just want to sit on my piles of cash, shit on a gold plated toilet, and buy Travis Ford horrible looking ties all day long on

Why should you pick me?: I'll let you ride my Ducati while I buy Barry Sanders memorabilia on eBay.


Iowa State

ID: 76318490

Personality Type: None

I'm looking for: A conference that will respect me for what I bring to the table; three guaranteed victories for your team every year between Men's Basketball and Football. I'm also one of the last few schools that actually gives a damn about wrestling. Not the cool, "I'm going to pretend to hit you with a chair while in a steel cage of death," kind of wrestling, but more like, "Hey, I eat celery broth and look forward to grabbing your spandex covered balls," wrestling.

Hobbies & Interests: I enjoy reading the Twilight books, playing my XBOX 360, and masturbating to old episodes of The Carol Burnett Show while crying.

Why should you pick me?: I will literally suck your dick to stay out of the Missouri Valley.



ID: 78324955

Personality Type: Former Rock Star/Big Shot

I'm looking for: A way back to the top. I mean, how can someone this talented, good looking, charismatic, and clever NOT return to their former glory? I know that I'm headed back to the top of the polls, and if you don't see that, well, fuck you. I'm looking for a conference that will treat me like the God I think I am.

Hobbies & Interests: Listening to 80's hair metal, talking about how awesome I was in the 80's/90's, remembering how awesome I was in the 80's/90's, and rocking out to Europe.

Why should you pick me?: Everyone needs a mullet sporting, Camaro driving, jean jacket wearing has-been that's still living the dream.


Texas A&M

ID: 66432221

Personality Type: Mentally Challenged

I'm looking for: Hot Pockets

Hobbies & Interests: I have a probation officer. He told me to stop taking my pants off in front of Target.

Why should you pick me?: I have clean underwear on today.