The second installment of this three part mini-series is here, and our friends have made their way, albiet unexpectedly, to the island. All the while, a forgotten member of the group has made his way to the party as well.
Click the jump for more Adventures!
A cab pulls up to the marina where The Champions* left port a few hours before...
Cab Driver: That'll be $22.50.
Iowa State: You're kidding me. You just drive me about five miles from the airport, and you expect me to pay you twenty-two dollars?
Cab Driver: No, I don't expect you to pay me twenty-two dollars. I expect you to pay me $22.50. Well, actually, it's twenty-three now because the meter's still running.
Iowa State: I'm not paying you that much.
Cab Driver: Listen, asshole, I've got a family to feed. $23.50.
Iowa State: This is highway robbery.
Cab Driver: Actually, it's street-side robbery. The highway is a mile that way. $24.00.
Iowa State: Fine! Here, take it.
Iowa State hands the cab driver twenty-five dollars...
Cab Driver: You call this a tip?
Iowa State: Give me a break, dude.
Cab Driver: Alright, have a nice day. Beware of the homeless guys that try to rape you under the overpasses.
Iowa State: What did you just say?
Cab Driver: Nothing. Peace.
The cab driver peels out and leaves Iowa State alone at the marina. Iowa State begins to look around the marina for The Champions*...
Iowa State: Alright, the text message said they'd be here. Maybe they're just late?
Dock Worker: Hey there. You looking for a big yacht with a bunch guys and chicks in Hooters outfits on it?
Iowa State: (sighs) Yeah, that's the one. So, I take it they've been here already.
Dock Worker: Oh yeah. They realized that one of their guys was lost and they went to look for him.
Iowa State: Really?!? They said they were going to look for me?
Dock Worker: Yeah, they said they were looking for their friend and that if they couldn't find him, some guy named "Beebee" would have their asses.
Iowa State: Beebe said that about me? I never thought that the commissioner and all of those guys cared that much about me. I figured they just viewed me as a tag along.
Dock Worker: Well, they seemed pretty interested in finding you.
Iowa State: Do you know where they went? I've tried calling them, but it's going straight to voicemail.
Dock Worker: Oh, well you're not going to get a signal at sea ma'boy. They said they'd be headed due east.
Iowa State: I wonder why they'd sail out onto the open sea looking for me?
Dock Worker: I don't know why either, but all I can tell you is that's where they went.
Iowa State: Hmm...okay. Well, is there anyway that I can get a boat or something to go after them?
Dock Worker: I've got a boat. She's not much of a looker, but we can follow them if you'd like.
Iowa State: I'd like that a lot! How much?
Dock Worker: Oh, I don't know, a couple hundred bucks.
Iowa State: Uh, er, well, I don't have that much on me. How about a hundred now, and I'll get my friends to pay the other hundred when we find them?
Dock Worker: Deal. I'll get this thing all fired up and ready to go.
Iowa State: Awesome!
Iowa State and the Dock Worker board the boat and head out east to go find The Champions*. In the meantime, the rest of the members of the Big 12, sans Texas A&M of course, swam to the island shore after the yacht crashed against rocks in the fog...
Texas: Jesus Christ, man. Icebergs?
Kansas State: What? Icebergs...rocks...big fucking things that you can run into and it will sink...what's the difference?
Texas: Sorry, man, it's just...well, I don't know where we are or how we're going to get home.
Kansas State: Just pull out some James Bond satellite phone you have stored in your shoe, and call for help.
Texas: I would, but it got soaked when we swam here, and it doesn't appear to have a signal.
Kansas State: I was kidding. You really had a satellite phone in your shoe?
Texas: Uh, yeah. I just forgot to bring the one that's waterproof.
Kansas State: You really are a piece of work.
Oklahoma: Hey, guys, can we focus here? We're stuck on an island in the middle of nowhere, it's foggy as shit, and I'm not quite positive, but I get the sinking feeling that we're being watched.
Nebraska: You're just being paranoid. There's nothing here but that big ass sea turtle over there, and she's not going to hurt anyone.
Missouri: Hey, guys, do you see that?
Nebraska: See what?
Missouri: Footprints. Human footprints. And they lead from the turtle back into those woods over there.
Texas Tech: Come to think of it, I think I see something in the distance. It looks like a yellow jet ski. I can't really tell though because it's so foggy. Hey Colorado! Run over there and see if that's a jet ski.
Colorado: I'm on it, dude.
Colorado runs out of sight and back to the guys on the beach in a matter of seconds...
Texas Tech: Holy crap that was fast.
Colorado: I'm used to running around in a cloudy haze.
Texas Tech: Yeah, I can see that. Anyway, is that a jet ski?
Colorado: Yep, it is. And it said, "Property of Texas" with a longhorn on the back.
Texas: Hot dog! That's it! He's here, and I'd bet anything that those are his tracks leading into the woods.
Oklahoma: Well, let's go get that little retard and find a way to get off of this rock. I've got a football season to get ready for.
Texas: We all do, dumbass.
Oklahoma: Whatever, let's go.
The group starts following the tracks into the woods. Meanwhile, Texas A&M is in camp with Steve and his tribe...
Steve: Ev-ray-one. Listen up. This Tex-ass am. He our guest.
Texas A&M: Hi Mexicans!
Tommie Frazier: Who are you calling a Mexican?
Texas A&M: Como hello!
Frazier: What the? Are you retarded?
Texas A&M: Not legally.
Troy Davis: Hey, Tommie, what's going on?
Frazier: This idiot just waltzes into camp and says, "Hey, Mexicans!" I'm not a Mexican.
Davis: Me either.
Texas A&M: Hey, er, do you have any burritos? I'm hungry.
Frazier: Alright, that's it! I'm going to kick your ass!
Texas A&M: I'd take a gordita if you've got one?
Tommie Frazier goes to punch A&M, but a cloaked, bearded figure in walks up and catches Frazier's punch. He pulls down his hood and with a fiery look in his eyes, says...
Cloaked Man: STOP!
Frazier: Oh, so you sit there over there for three weeks with your cloaked, bearded, brooding ass, and now you're going to finally say something. Who are you anyway?
Cloaked Man: My name is Kliff Kingsbury, and I'm one of the most decorated college football players of all-time.
Frazier: So am I, but you don't see me looking like Obi Wan Kenobi and acting like a mute.
Kingsbury: Look, you've been here for a while. I just got here, and it takes time to adjust. I'm sure you understand.
Texas A&M: Who are you guys?
Davis: We're Big 12 legends that have been forgotten because we didn't have successful NFL careers, and because we've been forgotten, we've somehow made our way to this island.
Kingsbury: I thought that I was going to a tryout for some Caribbean league team. Next thing I knew, some guy with a rickety piece of shit brought me here. With all of the fog, smoke, and brooding darkness, it was like crossing the river Styx. I'm still not 100% certain that I'm not in Hell.
Rocky Calmus: None of us are certain that we aren't in Hell.
Michael Bishop: True that.
Texas A&M: I remember you! How did you get here!?!
Michael Bishop: They said there was an arena league team in the Dominican Republic. I figured that I'd check it out. The same guy with the piece of shit boat brought me here too.
Davis: Me too.
Texas A&M: Wow. That's really sad. I'm glad that I didn't meet that guy. He sounds like a meanie.
Kingsbury: Wait, the boatman didn't bring you here?
Texas A&M: No, I got here on my friend's jet ski.
Frazier: Interesting. The boatmen only brings you here after you no longer have any chance at athletic success.
Steve: Unless...
Davis: Unless what?
Steve: An-cent prophecy say that man who cross the big water will free us from the island. If boatman did not bring re-tard here, maybe he the one prophecy speak of.
Frazier: Uh uh. No way. He can't be the one.
Texas A&M stands there staring at a tree while picking his ass...
Davis: Hey, there, Texas am
Texas A&M: My name is Texas A AND M. Not Texas am. Sheesh!
Davis: Sorry, Texas A&M. Is your jet ski still working?
Texas A&M: Oh, no. It's broken.
Davis: There, Steve, you see? It's broken. He can't be the one that will get us off of this island.
Texas A&M: But my friends are coming. Maybe they can get us off of the island?
Davis: Friends? What friends?
Texas A&M: My friend Texas has a boat. All of our friends are coming.
Kingsbury: Did you say Texas is coming? He'll come with a rescue party for sure!
Texas A&M: Yep. All of my friends are coming.
Davis: Wow, even Iowa State?
Texas A&M: I don't know who that is. So probably not.
Davis: Damn.
Frazier: Alright, let's think. What's our best chance of finding the rescue party?
Kingsbury: We head back to the beach where the jet ski is, and we light a signal fire.
Frazier: Good idea. Men, let's get our stuff organized and prepare a move to the beach.
The lost legends, Steve, and Texas A&M all gather camp and get ready to head to the beach. Meanwhile, the guys have made their way into the jungle in their search for Texas A&M...
Kansas State: Good God, this is some thick vegetation.
Nebraska: Oh, grow up you pansy. It's just like walking through a corn field.
Missouri: Except this corn field is crawling with some ungodly looking bugs.
Nebraska: Pansies.
Texas: Will you all shut up? It's hard enough following his tracks as it is.
Texas Tech: We could follow the trail of fun size Snickers wrappers he left lying around.
Texas: Pardon?
Texas Tech: Snickers wrappers. They're everywhere.
Oklahoma: Shit, that's funny. Quite the leader you are.
Texas: Blow me. Alright, follow the wrappers.
The group follows the wrappers deeper into the jungle. Meanwhile, at a rickety dock somewhere on the island...
Iowa State: You think this is where they went?
Dock Worker: I'm sure of it.
Iowa State: It doesn't look like anyone is here. Is this island even on the map?
Dock Worker: Probably not. There aren't many people who know about it.
Iowa State: How do you?
Dock Worker: I bring people here from time to time. They're a lot like you; they're looking for something or someone. I help them get to where they need to go.
At that moment, the legends stumble upon Iowa State and the Dock Worker...
Kingsbury: YOU!!!
Frazier: Get him!
Dock Worker: (To Iowa State...) It's time for you to get off of the boat and meet your new friends. I need to leave.
Davis: (Yelling at Iowa State...) Don't let him get away!
Iowa State: Who are you?
Dock Worker: I'm the boatman, and you're home now.
Come back Friday for the exciting conclusion to the Adventures mini-series!