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Adventures of the Big 12: Halloween 2008


Our friends from the Big 12 Conference are back, and they've left group therapy to embark on one of the oldest of traditions...

They're going Trick or Treating.  Together.

Let's see what kind of whacky hijinks ensue...

(There's a knock at the door...)

Everyone:  (In unison...) Trick or treat!

Woman: Oh, my goodness!  There sure are a lot of you, and you all look so cute in your costumes!

Nebraska:  Thanks.  I usually do look good.  I'm kind of good at everything.

Colorado:  Dude, get over yourself.

Woman: Well, let me see, what are you?  Hmm...I'm guessing you're a cowboy!


Nebraska: No, I'm a Cornhusker.

Woman: What's that?

Colorado: Someone that thinks they're a whole lot better than they really are.

Nebraska: Shut up you damn hippie.

Woman: Now, now, Mr. Cornhusker.  Be nice.  Your friend has a very unique costume.  What exactly are you son?


Colorado:  I'll give you a hint; you can smoke me and have the urge to eat a whole lot of Funyuns and play a lot of Xbox...

Woman: I get  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Colorado: Why should I be?  It's from the Earth.  You got any booze?

Woman:  No, but it looks like your friend does...


Missouri: Dear God, man, get it together.

Kansas State: Youshutuprighnow.  I'm jesss fine.   I'm GRRRRREEEEAAATTT!!!

Missouri: Hey, asshole, stop saying that.

Kansas State: Ha ha haha ha.  No.  You look like the sssereal guy.

Missouri: I do not!


Woman: Well, you do kind of look like the Frosted Flakes guy.  What happened to your friend?  Is he drunk?

Nebraska: Yeah, he's a mess.  His defense left him a year ago, and a couple of weeks ago, his offense left too.

Kansas State: Sonofabitches left me.  I'm totally scaredandalone.  But mostly drunk. Ssscaredaloneandrunnk. 

Woman: Can someone make sure he doesn't throw up on my porch?  Hey, what is that guy doing to my tree?  Is he?  No, he can't be...

(Texas A&M humps a maple tree...)

Texas: Goddammit A&M, we can't take you anywhere.  Get away from the damn tree!

Texas Tech: He's not wearing pants is he?

Missouri: Nope.

(Texas A&M humps a maple tree without pants on...)

Woman: Can someone go get him?  My kids climb that thing.

Nebraska: I'm on it.  Hey!  Get over here you little retard!

(Nebraska chases Texas A&M across the yard.  Texas A&M runs away with his ass hanging out of his robe and giggling like an idiot...)

Woman: Okay, where were we?  You must be a Viking.


Oklahoma State: Yo, yo, yo fly honey.  How's about you get a bit of that Cowboy love up in this hizzy.

Woman: Ewww.  No.  Really, what is your costume supposed to be?

Oklahoma State: We were supposed to wear costumes?

Oklahoma: God, you're worthless.  Aren't you broke now?

Oklahoma State: Pffff.  Naa man.  I'll gets it back.  T. Boone's got me covered man.

Woman: (Looks at Oklahoma...) And, Mr. Meanypants, you are?


Oklahoma: I'm a Sooner!

Texas: You look like a backwoods hick to me...

Woman: I have to agree.  Did you really mean to dress up like Toby Keith?

Oklahoma: What?  This is what I always look like!  I put on my nice hooded sweatshirt and huntin' cap too!

Woman: Well, at least you tried.  And let's see; you must be a bull?


Texas: I'm a Longhorn ma'am!

Woman: That's nice.  Why did you decide to be that?

Oklahoma: Because his girlfriend is a cow.

Texas: You son of a...

Woman: Hey guys!  Not on my porch.  Alright, let's speed this up.  You guys are creeping me out.  Who's next?


Woman: Jesus!

Baylor: Yes, my child?

Woman: Seriously, you came as Jesus?  That's kind of strange.  Not that it should be.  I mean, it's Jesus, and I don't want to get struck by a lightning bolt or anything, but that is kind of weird.

Baylor: No, it's okay.  These blasphemers make fun of me all of the time.  I'm used to it.  Heathen.

Woman: Well, as long as you're okay with it, I'm okay with it.  Here's some Skittles your holiness.  Next?


Texas Tech: Yee Haww!  Pshew...pishew (Makes gun noises...)

Woman: Oh, fun fun!  Let me guess; you're the bastard child of Zorro and the Hamburglar?

Texas Tech: No, I'm a Red Raider!  Can't you tell?

Woman: Well, not really.  My next guess was going to be a bandito from a soft core porn movie.

Texas Tech: To be honest, that's where I got the idea...

(A dog barks at the side of the house...)

Woman: What was that?

(Nebraska yells in the distance...)

Nebraska: Goddammit!  Get back here!

Baylor: Hey!  I'm right here you know.  Have some respect, jackass!

Nebraska: Sorry, but...can someone help me out over here?

(Texas A&M rides across the yard on a Labrador...)

Texas A&M: I'm riding a yellow pony!


Texas A&M: Gidddyup yellow pony!

Nebraska: AAAAHHHHHH!!!

(Texas A&M gets form tackled by Nebraska...)

Oklahoma: Wow, I haven't seen him do that in years...

Woman: Alright, let's hustle up.  Who's next?

Iowa State: Me!  I'm next!


Woman: Oh, you must be a USC Trojan!

Iowa State: Bitch.

(Iowa State throws down his bag of candy and walks away while a single tear rolls down his cheek...)

Missouri: Hey, who was that guy?

Kansas State:  Beasts me.  Who (hic) drank my last bottle of Boones?!

Colorado: You did, dude.

Kansas State: Oh yeah...

Woman: Hey, wait, where did my candy go?  For that matter, where did my purse go?  It was sitting right here by the door?

(The wood at the corner of the porch creeks...)

Missouri: Kansas!


Kansas: Uh, hey guys.

Missouri: What in the Hell are you doing?

Kansas State: Yeah man!  Whattareyadoin'?

Kansas: Nothing.  I'm not here right now.

Texas: What?  You're right there.  You're holding her purse and an assorted bag of Hershey's chocolate bars!

Kansas: No, I'm not.  Prove it.

Oklahoma: Dude, we've really gotta exchange notes...

Baylor: Have you no shame you sinner?!

Kansas: It's not like anyone takes back things I steal...

Woman: Alright...everyone get off of my property.  Now.  Or else I'm calling the cops.  Well, come to think of it, I am still calling the cops.

Kansas State: Hey, hey, HEY!  I still have a beer left!  Who took it?!

Texas A&M: This Dr. Pepper tastes funny...