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Group Therapy: Big 12 Football Edition


As a conference, we have a great many teams with varying personalities.  Some have their strengths, some have their weaknesses, and all of them have a bit of neurosis. 

That's why the Big 12 Conference has asked all of its members to attend a group therapy session.

Okay, they really didn't, but if they did, I think it would have gone something like this...

Counselor: Okay, everyone, sit down.  We're going to start our first therapy session.  Who would like to share first?

Kansas State: Uh, I guess that I'll go first.  Well, our defense...

Counselor: Before you go on, make sure you tell everyone your name and why you're here.

KS: Oh, I'm sorry.  My name is Kansas State, and I don't have a defense.

Everyone: (In unison...) Hi, Kansas State.

KS: (Scratches behind head...) Yeah, anyway, I don't know exactly what happened, but my defense just packed up and left over a year ago.  I can't figure out what I did wrong; just, one day, without any warning, I showed up to the stadium and there it was, a "Dear John" letter, saying that things weren't working out and it was leaving.

Counselor: Kansas State, how did that make you feel?

KS: Well, it made me feel vulnerable.   Timid.  Scared, and not smart.

Counselor: Have you tried finding your defense?

KS: Of course.  I called. I left messages.  I even wrote it a song.   I told it that I missed it and wanted it back.  It told me, "No."

Counselor: What did you do after your defense said that?

KS: I cried.

Counselor:  Okay...OKAY!  I think we're making progress here.   What have you done since to overcome your loss?

KS: I'm basically letting every offense score on me like I really need the money.

Counselor: Alright...that's not healthy.  We'll address that later.  Moving on.  Let's see here, anyone want to volunteer to go next?  Anyone?  Do I have to call on someone?  Alright, then, Nebraska, what's going on with you?  Why are you here?

Nebraska: Nothing's wrong.  I'm only here because the conference told me that I had to come today.

Counselor: Are you sure nothing's wrong?  Nothing is bothering you right now?  Also, tell everyone your name.

Nebraska:  Ha!  Give me a break.  Everyone knows who I am.  There isn't a damn thing wrong with me.  Sure, I've come on hard times in the last couple of years, but I'll be back.  The great ones always come back.  I've just got to try harder.  That's all.

Counselor: (Turns head and whispers into a recorder) Classic case of denial with a hint of narcissism. 

Nebraska:  I'm sorry, did you say something?

Counselor: Nope.  Who's next?

Colorado: I'll go.

Counselor:  Good.  Go ahead; tell us who you are.

Colorado: I'm Colorado, and I'm really confused right now.

Counselor: Why are you confused?

Colorado: I was told there would be beer and strippers at this party.  But from what I can tell, there's no beer, and this isn't a party.

Counselor: Who told you there would be a party here today?

Colorado: The guy that recruited me to come here.  He said there'd be beer, weed, and I'd for sure get laid.  But, I gotta tell you, all I'm seeing are a bunch of lame teams, and Kansas State is really creepin' me out.  Dude keeps telling me he'll let Cody Hawkins score on him all day, long time.

Counselor: K-State, stop letting everyone score on you!  Have you no self-respect?

KS: (Sobbing...) I can't st-st-st-oooooop...

Counselor: Alright, anyone else?

Iowa State: Hi, my name's Iowa State, and I'm invisible.

Counselor: Who are you again?

IS: Iowa State.  You know, the Cyclones?

Counselor: Are you on my sheet?  When did you join the Big 12?

IS: I've been here since the league was founded.

Counselor: Really?

Texas: I've never heard of you.  Hey, Okie, you heard of this guy?

Oklahoma: Nope.

Counselor: You can share if you want, but I'm not sure anyone paid for you to be here.

IS: You're all a bunch of dicks.

Oklahoma State: (Flashing a mouth of gold teefus...) Yo, yo, yo!  What up ya'll!  Oklahoma State in the hizzy.

Oklahoma: Seriously?  What are you up to Vanilla Ice?

OS: Fo' rizzle.  I gots mo' money than all ya'llz.  I'm 6-0, I've got more coin than Kanye, and my coach gots more oil in his hair than T. Boone's got in his wells boooyyyyeeee!

Counselor: God help me.

OS: Don't be down, yo.  I'm just keepin' it realz.  Okie State in the hizouse.

Oklahoma: You're an idiot, and I'm going to kick your ass.

OS: Bring it biznatch.  I'll bring my crazy option offense, and we'll see if you can do a better job stopping it than Missouri did.

Missouri: (Shrieks in pain...) Oh GOD why?  WHYYYYYYY?

Counselor: Missouri, would you like to share?

Missouri:  No, I don't want to SHARE.  You saw the game on Saturday.  I don't want to talk about it!

Counselor: Now, now.  It's okay.  Teams lose big games all of the time.

Missouri: We don't.  When was the last time we were this good?  When was the last time we were a legit contender for the national title?  Huh?  When?  If you answered "never" then you'd be right.  No one knows how this feels.

Kansas State: If I may interject...

Missouri: Don't give me that sob story about 1998.

Kansas State: I'm just sayin'.  At least you lost to a really good team.  Look at what's become of the team we lost to.

(Texas A&M sits in the corner eating a bottle of Elmer's glue...)

Kansas State: See?

Missouri: Yeah, we'll you didn't lose to Flava Flav over there.  Mine's worse.

(Oklahoma State admires it's diamond encrusted chain...)

Kansas State: Oh, really.  Let's see shall we.  Hey, A&M, what's the capital of Texas?

Texas A&M: Unicorns.

Kansas State: And what's your school's mascot?

A&M: Burt Reynolds.

Counselor: A&M?  Jesus, what happened to you?

A&M: We hired Mr. Fran, and he said that we were gonna be real good, and then he made us not real good, and then he beat our program with a brick until we was retarded.  Then we hired Mr. Sherman, and he picked up the brick and started beating us until we gots more retarded.

Counselor: I don't think I can help you.

A&M: That's okay.  You gonna eat them sparkles?

(A&M starts eating glitter...)

Counselor: Moving on.  Baylor, would you like to share?

Baylor: Is it my turn to pray?

Counselor: Well, you can do what you like, but this isn't a prayer circle.  It's our group therapy session.

Baylor: Oh, I know, but I figure you God-forsaken, public university heathens could use it.

Texas Tech: Someone's bitter.

Baylor: I would be too if I lived in Lubbock.

Tech: Hey, wait a damn minute!

Baylor: Oops.  Dear Lord, I apologize...

Tech: I'm gonna whoop your ass son!

Counselor: Hey, Tech, back off.  He's saying he's sorry.

Tech: Does it look like I care?  Out in West Texas, we shoot first and don't even attempt to play defense later.

Counselor: Well, now you've gotten better with your defense in the last few weeks.  Let's explore that.

Tech: What is there to explore?  Keep it simple stupid.  Score more points than the other guy.  We win.

Oklahoma: How many South titles have you won there big guy?

Tech: (Grumbles...) Shut up, butthead.

Counselor: Oklahoma, would you like to share?

Oklahoma: I got nothin'.  The only thing that I'd change about myself is, well, nothin'.

Texas: Spoken like a true narcissist.

Oklahoma: I can't believe you even know what that word means.

Texas:  I know what a lot of words mean.  You know, like, SCOREBOARD!

Oklahoma: You son of a...

(Texas drops its pants and moons Oklahoma...)

Counselor: Well, I think we've heard from everyone, but I think I'm missing someone.  I only count eleven.  Who's missing?

(Kansas pops its head into the room...)

Kansas: Hey, has anyone seen my running game?

Counselor: Kansas!  There you are.  Why didn't you show up for the session?  The Big 12 said everyone needed to be here today.

Kansas: Yeah, I'm not big on ‘rules'.  Rules are for people that are too stupid to find their way around them.

Baylor: You should be ashamed of yourself!

Kansas: Hey, you do things the right way, and you're in the basement of the conference.  I go on probation in multiple sports, commit academic fraud, and get the dreaded "Lack of Institutional Control" tag, and I get an Orange Bowl win and a national title.

Oklahoma: See, he gets it!

Counselor: I don't think we need to be promoting that kind of behavior Oklahoma...

Nebraska: Hey, can you tell me how to cheat and get away with it?  I'm getting kind of desperate over here.

Missouri: Me too.  Dude, you know that I, like, hate you, but could you tell me how to cheat too?

Oklahoma State: Yo, homes, me too.  I'll pay cash money.

Kansas: Anyway, I just stopped by to see if anyone saw my running game.  If it's not here, I gotta run.  I've got tests to take for incoming recruits.  If you guys want the scoop, ring me on my cell.

Oklahoma State: I'll hit you back dog.

Counselor: Okay, I think this is a good place to end this week.  I don't want this going off on a bad tangent.  Everyone, please don't cheat, like Kansas.  Please don't let everyone score on you like Kansas State, and for God's sake, don't hire Mike Sherman.  That's borderline criminal over there.

(Texas A&M urinates in its pants...)