Fake Patty's Day: The Legend of Fake Patty

Cover photo design by Derek Smith

If you've ever wondered, and I think you just may,
About events that brought on the Fake Patty's Day
Then scroll down and read this. You'll have a good time
As long as you don't mind reading in rhyme.

There once was a city far from Manhattan
Where no one had fun, it just didn’t happen
The town was so dull and no one was chatty
The only one worried was Mr. Fake Patty

Then one day Fake Patty, he started to think
"Boy, I sure wish I had a good place to drink.
That fella St. Patrick who has his own day
The calendar says it’s just three weeks away!
Well I’ve got two legs and a liver to kill
Someone get me directions to ol’ Aggieville!"

Twas a week or so later Fake Patty arrived
In the town of Manhattan. He’d barely survived.
His shoes were just ruined. His skin was all sweaty.
He needed a shower! He had to get ready!

He found a hotel and he spoke to a man.
"I'd like to acquire a room if I can.
I've come to enjoy the St. Patrick’s Day fun!
I know it's two weeks away but I wish it were one!"

"Spring Break is that week," the man said with a smile.
"The students are leaving. They're gone for a while.
The campus is closed. They have no place to stay.
Their only real choice is to just go away."

"Well that is just awful!" Patty said with a frown.
"There has to be some way to still party down."

Patty paid for a room and went up to bed.
He needed some rest for his poor little head.
Before very long, Patty drifted to slumber.
He dreamed of a man on a floating cucumber.
The man took off his hat and proceeded to bow.
Patty wasn’t impressed and he ruffled his brow.

"My name is Kerflaffle Flandinkle Margoo.
My friends call me Kerf. How do you do?
I’ve come here this evening to save you from doubt.
If you listen a minute, I might help you out."

Kerf lit a cigar and puffed some gold smoke
And as soon as it cleared, that’s when he spoke.
"Mr. Patty, we’re quite different souls, you and I.
You walk everywhere, and I like to fly.
I’m what some call an outside the box thinker.
You’re what some call an unorthodox drinker.

"Spring Break might have sent your plans rolling down hill
But the bars can sell beer every day in the ‘Ville
The kids are still here for a whole ‘nother week
This Saturday’s clearly the answer you seek."

"Oh my goodness!" yelled Patty. "I mean, holy shit!
That’s perfect! I mean, why didn’t I think of it?"

"Lack of brain cells," said Kerf with a puff of cigar.
Then he reached in his coat and pulled out a small jar.
"When you wake up tomorrow, be sure to go down
To every good pub in this wonderful town.
Tell them what’s coming, tell them to be ready.
Make sure the flow of good liquors is steady.
And take what I have in this bottle. You’ll need it.
Just take it and trust me! There’s no time to read it!"

Patty tore off his sheets and found something quite weird.
Kerf and his cucumber all disappeared.
He was out of the dream. He was back in his room.
But there in his hand was Flandinkle Perfume!

He shot out of bed and put on his shoes.
He had to get going! There was no time to lose!
He visited each of the bars one by one.
Telling them all to prepare for the fun.
"Fake Patty’s my name, and I come with a plan!
Your business is being held down by the Man!
Spring Break has been scheduled, it would appear
To cheat you out of your best day all year!
But that doesn’t mean we can’t relocate it!
What does it matter when we celebrate it?
What’s wrong with this weekend? Who says it can’t work?
If you disagree you’re an ignorant jerk!

"Get out your best whiskies, your vodkas, your rums!
Make sure that you have them when the time comes!
This Saturday’s gonna be quite the event!
Gear up or regret it three-hundred percent!"

"I’ll be damned!" said the owner of every saloon.
"That’s brilliant! But Saturday’s coming so soon!"

"Don’t worry," said Patty. "Just give me your best!
Get stocked up with liquors and I’ll do the rest!"

With that, Patty ran toward Mid Campus Drive
To Anderson Hall and up to floor five.


Or four...

No wait, three. There’s only three levels.
Sometimes these rhymes can be tricky devils.

But anyway, Patty used all of his power
And climbed up the building. He climbed to the tower!
Once up there he saw every one of the people
And yelled down to them from the tip of the steeple
"My name is Fake Patty and I’ve come to say
We shouldn’t give up on the green holiday!
Spring Break isn’t here yet and if you have cash
The bars are preparing for quite a big bash!

I promised them people so don’t let me down!
This Saturday, be on the ‘Ville side of town!"

What followed right after brought Patty to tears.
The campus rose up in a chorus of cheers!

The next few days were spent getting set.
The drinks, the music, the best they could get.
Patty bought shoes and a brand new green suit
And a hat with a band and a clover to boot!

Then Saturday came and Patty got dressed.
He looked in the mirror and was very impressed.
But before he could leave for the bars and consume
He had to put on some Flandinkle Perfume.
He sprinkled a dab on the sides of his throat
And just then, his confidence started to bloat.

"I can do anything!" he said to himself
And grabbed his green hat from the top of the shelf

He went out to the street and he climbed in a car,
Took a ride down to Moro and to the first bar.
And though he came into the bar all alone
A girl was drawn in by the scent of cologne.

"You smell good," said the girl. "It’s really alluring,
So very attractive and so reassuring.
What do you have on and where do they sell it?"

"I have a hard on. Didn’t know you could smell it!"

Everyone laughed and they all whooped and cheered!
Patty was suddenly very revered!
The oldest bar owner stood and silenced the crowd
And cleared his throat good before speaking aloud.

"This day's been terrific and thanks to our friend
This event can specifically happen again.
And again and again and on for forever
All thanks to the fact that this man is so clever.
So that’s why it’s my distinct pleasure to say
It will be known succinctly as Fake Patty’s Day."

The crowd was elated and Patty was thrilled!
He could never have dreamed just what he would build!
And just then it happened, as if right on cue.
He looked up and there floated Flandinkle Margoo.

He gave a thumbs up, then flew out the door
And Pat made his way to the crowded dance floor.
He partied for hours and showed off his charm
And walked off that night with a girl on each arm.

So that’s the real story. That’s how it happened.
That’s how this holiday came to Manhattan.
If you don’t believe me then go to the ‘Ville
That Saturday night in search of a thrill.
If you are the one who wants it the most,
You might get to drink with Fake Patty’s ghost.

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