The National, 6/4/12: I Can't Find My Keys.

Imagine this picture teetering side-to-side. (Photo by Brett Deering/Getty Images)

...When I'm That Drunk: Let's be upfront here. I'm not a fence post or anything, but I also don't require a hoverround to navigate Wal*Mart. I'm a couple of inches taller than Justin Blackmon (I was surprised about this when I just looked it up), and only outweigh him by about fifteen pounds. I say this to put this in perspective: in order to blow a .24, I would have to slam down a 12-pack plus a bonus shot every hour in the space of four hours, which I think might leave me unable to remember my own name, much less where my car keys are. That's how blotto Blackmon was at 3am Sunday morning when he was pulled over in Stillwater for doing 60 in a 35 and driving in "the English way", otherwise known as "headlong into oncoming traffic".

The potential penalties for Blackmon are... inconvenient, albeit murky. Blackmon was charged with aggravated DUI. Oklahoma prosecutors have a tendency to amend the charge down to a regular DUI; looking into this, I discovered that in Oklahoma County (Oklahoma City's county) actual convictions for aggravated DUI are almost unheard of. That's partially because prosecutors like to reduce charges to get pleas, but also because a judge in Pottawatomie County ruled Oklahoma's ADUI statute unconstitutional and Oklahoma County prosecutors would rather avoid testing it. (From what I can gather, and I AM NOT A LAWYER, under Oklahoma jurisprudence the unconstitutional ruling only binds Pottawatomie County for now because county prosecutors never appealed that overturned conviction to the state Supreme Court.)

Anyway: there are certain punishments which are mandatory if a driver is convicted of ADUI in Oklahoma. However, those punishments are not mandatory if the driver receives deferred adjudication. They include a mandatory 28-day inpatient care program, a year of supervised aftercare (read: AA meetings), the installation of an ignition interlock on the driver's car, periodic testing, and 480 hours of community service. That's 12 full work weeks. Oh, and it's all on top of the punishment for Blackmon already having been nailed with a DUI previously; in Oklahoma, the second DUI is a felony carrying a possible five-year sentence.

In short, life could get very unpleasant for Blackmon very soon, especially if he runs into a prosecutor and judge who like sticking it to celebrity types. Of course, it's just as likely this will get plead down so that Blackmon can go on about his business of being Wealthy and Famous. You never know. For Blackmon, the most important consequence of all this may be the loss of a couple million bucks when Jacksonville sticks it to him in contract talks, and a suspension by Roger Goodell.

By the way, national media: while it's true Blackmon should have called a cab, he could not simply have waved one down in Stillwater. Nor could he have taken a bus, or ridden the subway. Just a helpful reminder to those of you who have never actually seen a relatively small college town before, think everywhere is just like New York or Washington, and run your mouths without thinking.

This Non-News Bores Me, But You Need To Know: Jim Delany now supports a selection committee for the playoffs, and appears willing to compromise on the "top four champions" vs "top four teams" question, which may push the discussion toward the 3+1 model (which I happen to think is the most equitable option for a four-team playoff). Of course, what Jim Delany supports is what the Big Ten supports-- wait, what? Ten minutes before Delany made his statement, the Big Ten presidents said they'd just as soon ditch the whole idea and go back to the bowl system?

Oy vey.

Closer to home, Iowa State AD Jamie Pollard admits that the Big 12's seeming death-grip on the idea of staying at ten teams has one cause, and only one cause: ensuring Big 12 participation in the playoff, otherwise known as "not reliving 1998 Kansas State or 2003 Oklahoma". Really, it's hard to argue the point, and I am sort of suspecting the Big 12 may not expand until either (a) the inevitable expansion of the playoff to eight teams or (b) they have no choice (i.e., Notre Dame comes calling).

It's Like Randy Moss All Over Again: How far has Boston College fallen? They've just lost two transfers... to Marshall. Admittedly, one was thrown off the team, and the other wasn't a starter anyway. Still, Marshall lost both starting safeties last year, so now they get to reload.

Not Doing It Right: Idaho State basketball is now under investigation by the NCAA for the most heinous of crimes: letting boosters give players cold, hard cash. Obviously, it's completely unacceptable for teams to purchase championships and success in this fashion, meaning that Idaho State is probably going to have to vacate the fruits of its stellar 2011-12 campaign, in which their cheating and chicanery resulted in... a 9-21 record.

Also Not Doing It Right: It seems that Urban Meyer has just as much of a grip on his players' behavior in Columbus as he did in Gainesville. The latest fiasco: Buckeye TE Jake Stoneburner and OL Jack Mewhort were arrested for, short version, "running away from the cops rather than cop to urinating in public". Hint, guys: you were standing outside a restaurant. Restaurants have toilets. Just sayin'.

I Thought They Were Partners: So, the SEC and Big East announced the pairings for the SEC/Big East Challenge. Included: Syracuse at Arkansas. Not included: Pitt vs anyone, as well as UConn, Louisville, Missouri, and Texas A&M vs anyone. The first thing that comes to mind is "why exclude Missouri and Texas A&M when UConn and Louisville don't have dance partners"? But that's not the biggest news. It seems that Pitt is furious at being excluded, while Syracuse is unhappy with being INcluded. If you read this entire paragraph, and obvious solution to the whole mess does sort of present itself...

Diablerie, Which Is a Synonym For Shenanigans: Here's this t-shirt being offered for sale by UConn, much to the chagrin of UConn people. ... The mayor of College Station gets revenge against certain comments made about College Station by Florida coach Will Muschamp. ... Southern Cal WR George Farmer: brown recluse victim. ... Son of mediocre 80s rock star walks on at mediocre Division I football program. ... Colorado's selling their old basketball floor. If it were five years ago, I could have bought it via Paypal; decide for yourself whether that means I was filthy rich or whether Colorado's old basketball floor has no value. ... Black Heart Gold Pants presents: The Northwestern Nike Pro-Combat Ensemble. ... Lastly, a very nice piece from @bobbybigwheel explaining the legal ramifications of tortious interference in the context of realignment.

Spring Championships: West Chester blitzed Delta State 9-0 to capture the Division II baseball championship.

Texas got a measure of revenge for the 2010 BCS title game, knocking off Alabama in match play to win the Division I golf championship. The individual championship was captured by Illinois sophomore Thomas Pieters.

In D-I, Super Regional tickets have thus far been punched by Florida, South Carolina, Arkansas, Louisiana State, Oregon, UCLA, Arizona, Stanford, Florida State, St. John's, and... uh... Kent State?! Oklahoma (vs Appalachian State) and Baylor (vs Dallas Baptist) are carrying the Big 12 banner, along with TCU (vs Mississippi), facing elimination-or-advancement games today; North Carolina State/Vanderbilt and Central Florida/Stony Brook are the remaining regional championship matches. Texas A&M and Missouri have been eliminated, as is only fair and proper.

The WCWS final kicks off today, and there's Alabama again. They've got a bit of a task, however, as their opponent is Oklahoma, and the best-of-three series is taking place in Oklahoma City.

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