Chaos! Anarchy! End Times!
With a NC face-off between perennial basement dwellers SDSU and Baylor, the College Football landscape was guaranteed a massive make-over at season's end. A Baylor victory managed to keep some semblance of normalcy by keeping power conferences on top, but nonetheless the final Top 5 consisted of Baylor, Boise State, Troy, SDSU, and UCLA, in that order.
Keeping with the theme of utter destruction of expectations, Tyrion Lannister only managed a measly 8-5 record with a bowl loss to SMU. Who would have thought that a master player of the Game of Thrones would only be a marginally successful football coach?
Below is a review of each team's season in the user's own words (for the most part, I'm looking at you, MeatGeek*).
Player: ChrisP Wildcat
Coach: Christopher Powell
Record: 13-0 (9-0)
Final Ranking: #1
Review: Starting the season with what many considered a Heisman contender in in QB Evan Boyd, expectations were high for Coach Powell's first season leading the Baylor Bears. Although Boyd was not in serious contention for the Heisman he did set an NCAA record for QB rating with 202.5 (2,919 yards passing, 36TDs, 16 INTs). However, most people did not expect the Bears as a team to contend for the Big 12 conference title, let alone a national championship. That is just what they did however, knocking off Kirk Herbsteit favorite (and BCS #2) San Diego State to bring the first national championship to Waco, Texas. The Bears slipped by SDSU with a stifling pass defense (3 INTs) and behind the power running of Senior RB Brad Adams (1,050 rushing yds, 16 TDs on the season, 109 rushing yards in the MNC).
Following the championship victory, Coach Powell immediately accepted the head coaching position at Penn State. "Seriously, I would have taken any job. Who the hell wants stay in Waco, Texas?" Coach Powell opined, "I mean, it's not like RGIII... er... (looks at notes) Evan Boyd, is going to stay for his Senior season, and I really wasn't able to accomplish anything significant on the recruiting trail during my time there, so why bother?"
Coach: New Coach
Record: 13-0 (8-0)
Final Ranking: #3
Review: Rocketing up the rankings in the final few weeks of the season for God knows why, Troy managed to finish as the #3 team in the country after manhandling Maryland 42-14 in the Orange Bowl. Coach Coach was unhappy with his team's performance, "Honestly, there is no reason that we shouldn't have scored 50 points, and how in the HELL did they manage to score two TDs on us? There is absolutely no excuse for that kind of piss-poor play." Coach Coach referred to the gaudy stats racked up by his offenses and defenses throughout the season, with QB Deshawn Carter racking up 4,589 passing yards and 61 TDs but failing to garner a single vote for Heisman.
In related news, Coach Coach was absolutely furious at being ranked #3 behind one-loss Boise State. "What does a guy have to do to get some respect around here? Sure, we were playing a bunch of intramural teams all season, but at least we were blowing them out 80-0. I just don't get all this DISRESPECT."
Having no power over the nationwide discrimination of cupcake scheduling, and generating exactly zero interest from prestigious jobs, Coach Coach moved on to his plan for the off-season. First item on the agenda? Scheduling four FCS teams in the non-con.
Team: San Diego State
Coach: Richie Martell
Record: 12-1 (7-0)
Final Ranking: #4
Review: After battling through an aggressive non-con schedule and and a decent Mountain West schedule, SDSU managed to secure a spot in the NC game. However, despite having Heisman runner-up and Maxwell/Walter Camp/Walker awards winner P Anjandrum, SDSU was unable to score when it needed to. While P Anjandrum was able to rack up yards all season long, rushing for an NCAA high of 2,054 yards, he was stymied against Baylor and held to less than 40 rushing yards.
There were some positives to take from the game, most notably SDSU's strong defensive effort. They held Baylor to a near-season low of 20 points, bested only by a 17 point effort against Oklahoma State. 2 INTs against Superman QB Evan Boyd helped put SDSU in a position to take the lead with less than a minute remaining, but a similar turnover bug doomed them on that final fateful drive.
When asked about the game, Coach Martell only had this to say, "What complete, and utter, bullshit."
Coach Martell looks to stay at SDSU and turn in another solid year, with stud HB Sophomore P Anjandrum returning for hopefully a repeat performance in 2013.
Coach: Dan Stout
Record: 12-2 (9-1)
Final Ranking: #5
Review: With a top ten finish, D. Stout’s first year as head coach can only be explained by one thing; He paid people off. There is no other explanation that can clarify the success of the season. Here are few highlights.
Pac 12 championship - It was won in a performance where Oregon must have been paid off. We aren’t talking about the coaching staff or the quarterback, or even the defense. We are talking about the boosters of UCLA shelling out cash to pay off every single person on the roster and university. In the twenty minutes of playing time UCLA had the ball for 18:07. In fact, Oregon only was able to run 6 passing plays, of which 2 were complete for 34 yards, and 5 running plays for zero yards.
The Heisman Winner - Miles can not rationally be voted for as P Anjandrum from San Diego State had more rushing yards, more touchdowns and will be in the national championship game. So again we turn to boosters, UCLA and their esteemed alumni decided that looking good is extremely important, so they paid off the Heisman voters to ensure a trophy. This buy off is made even more evident by the fact that P Anjandrum won every other trophy a running back was eligible.
Rose Bowl - While some believe the conspiracy is this deep, it appears that Ohio State actually tried and failed against UCLA. Being from the Big 10 Ohio State felt they could beat the two star team in UCLA. As it turns out the Big 10 sucks, and are extremely overrated. Ohio State gave up 196 yards on the ground and let UCLA control the clock, racking up 16:16 in time of possession. Did I mention that no matter how bad UCLA is, they should beat that monstrosity of overrated bastards that are the Big 10?
It would be shocking to see D. Stout going anywhere this off-season. Stout has a good recruiting class coming in with 18 three star recruits and most of his starters coming back next season. Expectations will be much higher for Stout, but in all likelihood success will come to a grinding halt when the cash of the alumni dries up.
Team: Southern Miss
Coach: Tallahassee Doubletap
Record: 12-2 (8-1)
Final Ranking: #18
Review: The 2012 season was not for the faint of heart Golden Eagles fan. Other than a no show defeat against Central Florida the season was full of goal line stands and last minute field goals the biggest of which came in the CUSA Championship game against 11th ranked Houston. After jumping to a 24 to 14 lead the Eagles withstood a furious Cougar rally that tied the game 24 all. But as had happened all year the defense came up big with an interception in the final minute that lead to the game winning field goal as time ran out.
With their third win over a top 25 team the Eagles finally jumped into the rankings at #24 and were pitted against Notre Dame in the Liberty Bowl. With a new ranking and confidence running high the team put together their most complete game of the year holding the Irish to just 83 yards of offense in route to a 28-0 blowout.
The team handed out MVP awards after season with the following winners:
Daniel Ford - RB - Offensive MVP
With the passing game in shambles and top running back Serge McIntosh out with an injury for five games Ford came in to rush for 780 and 11 touchdowns while averaging 6.3 ypc. It is safe to say that without him the season could very well have been over early.
Matt Smith - CB - Defensive MVP
On a defense that had several stars and was the heartbeat of the team Smith stood out. He led the nation and set a school record with 11 interceptions and returned 4 of them for touchdowns.
Although the proposed move to the Lingerie League fell through the Golden Eagles can look back on their season with pride and look to build on this years success. Coach Doubletap will surely be a name connected to coaching vacancies but the team looks to be headed in the right direction and he is committed to remaining true to his players.
Player: Jeremy Sharp
Team: Fresno State
Coach: Tyrion Lannister
Record: 8-5 (6-1)
Final Ranking: Unranked
Review: Well damn.
Fresno State got dominated in the first quarter of the Hawai'i Sheraton Bowl, but made a game of it when Avery Mills returned a kickoff 101 yards late in the second quarter to tie the game to pull within a touchdown of the Mustangs from SMU. The third quarter was a defensive battle as neither team scored. Fresno State scored first in the fourth quarter to tie the game, and SMU quickly responded with a 71 yard TD reception. Fresno State's QB was sacked and fumbled the ball on the ensuing drive which was returned 45 yards for an SMU touchdown. Fresno State was still in the game when they scored a TD to pull within 7 and 1:48 remaining. SMU scored quickly on the next possession, and Fresno responded with a 76 yard TD of their own, but it was too little, too late.
Ultimately it was the turnovers that doomed the Bulldogs...both in this game, and the season in general. Not just turnovers, but turnovers that directly led to points. Had the ball bounced the other way a couple of times, the Bulldogs could be a 10-3 team instead of an 8-5 team. Such is life in the world of NCAA Football.
Coach Lannister is disappointed with his team's overall performance this season, but looks forward to next season, after choosing to remain with Fresno State due to lack of interest from other programs (obviously). And what the hell, if this coaching thing doesn't work out for him, he can always go back to Westeros and be the Hand of the Throne again and make sure his little bitch of a nephew doesn't completely ruin everything in King's Landing.