ESPN Hates America

Tomorrow, third-ranked Kansas State will play twenty-second ranked Virginia Tech in one of the most anticipated match-ups of ESPN's 'Twenty-four Tip Off Marathon". Normally, you would expect a great deal of anticipation and fervor building up for such a great pairing in the second game of this brand spanking new season, but alas, there's not. Do you know why? Because the game tips off at 3 PM CST, that's why.

Most K-State fans are acutely aware of this and some have taken vacation, or they're trying to figure out if the ESPN 3 video player has a "Boss Button". However, there are some people out there (like me, for example...) who, you know, have a real job and don't have the ability to take vacation on a whim. And I would imagine that there are a lot of K-State fans that will have the same problem because, frankly, as Captains of Industry, we're kind of a big deal.

So, as a result of this little stunt, I'm going to assume that ESPN hates the American worker, and damn it, if they hate the American worker, that means they hate America. And I have no use for people who hate America!

Look, I get it. When you're trying to fill twenty-four hours of programming for a really kitschy promotion, you have to ask some people to play at odd hours. For example, Memphis and Miami tip off at Midnight EST. Stony Brook and Monmouth tip off at 7 AM EST. Of course, only ten people were going to show up to that game anyway, so that doesn't really count. Hell, at that hour, half of the state population of New Jersey is hanging out at a Dunkin Donuts watching The Today Show from a counter, so it's not like any interested party couldn't ask the dude slinging bear claws and cups of joe to flip it over to ESPN to watch the Monmouth "Whatevers" play the Stony Brook "Who Gives a Shit(s)?" while they fill out the morning crossword.

But for Kansas State fans, rabid in their enthusiasm and loyal to the core, are getting screwed. It's one thing to haul ass after your last meeting or sales call to Manhattan to catch a Thursday night football game. It's another to try and figure out how to fit "3 PM Basketball Game" into your Outlook calendar and not screw with something important. Sure, some fan bases can make it work. Jayhawk fans can set the pizza boxes off to the side for a couple of hours and tell the people they're delivering to that their car broke down, or Missouri fans can flip the sign on the door of their porn shop/fireworks stand to "Closed". However, Kansas State fans, titans of capitalism, can't participate in such shenanigans. We've got important business matters to tend to.

We've got buildings to erect, cases to win, clients to swoon, and governments to run. Wildcat fans have finances to plan, architectural diagrams to inspect, and goddamn it, for the folks who graduated from our nationally ranked Interior Design program, those houses don't just decorate themselves with shit from Pier One. Someone has to convince the bored housewife of another wealthy K-State fan that they need a wicker elephant end table to hold that pseudo-African tribal decanter.

What about all of the wealthy KSU alumni that have started their own businesses? Do you hate 'Main Street' Mr. ESPN big shot? Not only do you hate our corporate giants out there shaping 'Wall Street', but you're telling the shop owner out there that they need to close up so they can watch their Cats in action? For shame!

Was it really that important to reserve a later spot so we can all watch Villanova rape Marist (5:30 PM EST)? Do you even know where Marist is? I don't, and I don't have time to look it up because after I get done writing this, I'm going to go back to work doing important business things. Do we really care to watch Butler play Louisville? Does America really care about Cinderella the morning after? Especially when she's slumming it with a guy who wears all white after Labor Day? Belmont at Tennessee? Pffft. I had no idea ESPNU broadcasted horse racing after dark.

So, you America hating broadcasters in Bristol, CT, I fart in your general direction. I will DVR your game, not in support of your "Twenty-four Hour Tip Off Marathon", but because I have no other choice to see my Cats. I'm out there making money so I can spend it on your advertisers, who, ironically, I will simply ignore because I have a 'fast-forward' button for use with recorded TV. And I will not watch your 'main event' between Florida and Ohio State because I'll be too busy watching said recording.

The "Worldwide Leader in Sports". Humph. More like the "Worldwide Leader in Hating America". Communists.

 


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