Adventures of the Big 12: Lost



The second installment of this three part mini-series is here, and our friends have made their way, albiet unexpectedly, to the island. All the while, a forgotten member of the group has made his way to the party as well.

Click the jump for more Adventures!

A cab pulls up to the marina where The Champions* left port a few hours before...


Cab Driver: That'll be $22.50.


Iowa State: You're kidding me. You just drive me about five miles from the airport, and you expect me to pay you twenty-two dollars?


Cab Driver: No, I don't expect you to pay me twenty-two dollars. I expect you to pay me $22.50. Well, actually, it's twenty-three now because the meter's still running.


Iowa State: I'm not paying you that much.


Cab Driver: Listen, asshole, I've got a family to feed. $23.50.


Iowa State: This is highway robbery.


Cab Driver: Actually, it's street-side robbery. The highway is a mile that way. $24.00.


Iowa State: Fine! Here, take it.


Iowa State hands the cab driver twenty-five dollars...


Cab Driver: You call this a tip?


Iowa State: Give me a break, dude.


Cab Driver: Alright, have a nice day. Beware of the homeless guys that try to rape you under the overpasses.


Iowa State: What did you just say?


Cab Driver: Nothing. Peace.


The cab driver peels out and leaves Iowa State alone at the marina. Iowa State begins to look around the marina for The Champions*...


Iowa State: Alright, the text message said they'd be here. Maybe they're just late?


Dock Worker: Hey there. You looking for a big yacht with a bunch guys and chicks in Hooters outfits on it?


Iowa State: (sighs) Yeah, that's the one. So, I take it they've been here already.


Dock Worker: Oh yeah. They realized that one of their guys was lost and they went to look for him.


Iowa State: Really?!? They said they were going to look for me?


Dock Worker: Yeah, they said they were looking for their friend and that if they couldn't find him, some guy named "Beebee" would have their asses.

Iowa State: Beebe said that about me? I never thought that the commissioner and all of those guys cared that much about me. I figured they just viewed me as a tag along.


Dock Worker: Well, they seemed pretty interested in finding you.


Iowa State: Do you know where they went? I've tried calling them, but it's going straight to voicemail.


Dock Worker: Oh, well you're not going to get a signal at sea ma'boy. They said they'd be headed due east.


Iowa State: I wonder why they'd sail out onto the open sea looking for me?


Dock Worker: I don't know why either, but all I can tell you is that's where they went.


Iowa State: Hmm...okay. Well, is there anyway that I can get a boat or something to go after them?


Dock Worker: I've got a boat. She's not much of a looker, but we can follow them if you'd like.


Iowa State: I'd like that a lot! How much?


Dock Worker: Oh, I don't know, a couple hundred bucks.


Iowa State: Uh, er, well, I don't have that much on me. How about a hundred now, and I'll get my friends to pay the other hundred when we find them?


Dock Worker: Deal. I'll get this thing all fired up and ready to go.


Iowa State: Awesome!


Iowa State and the Dock Worker board the boat and head out east to go find The Champions*. In the meantime, the rest of the members of the Big 12, sans Texas A&M of course, swam to the island shore after the yacht crashed against rocks in the fog...


Texas: Jesus Christ, man. Icebergs?


Kansas State: What? fucking things that you can run into and it will sink...what's the difference?


Texas: Sorry, man, it's just...well, I don't know where we are or how we're going to get home.


Kansas State: Just pull out some James Bond satellite phone you have stored in your shoe, and call for help.


Texas: I would, but it got soaked when we swam here, and it doesn't appear to have a signal.


Kansas State: I was kidding. You really had a satellite phone in your shoe?


Texas: Uh, yeah. I just forgot to bring the one that's waterproof.


Kansas State: You really are a piece of work.


Oklahoma: Hey, guys, can we focus here? We're stuck on an island in the middle of nowhere, it's foggy as shit, and I'm not quite positive, but I get the sinking feeling that we're being watched.


Nebraska: You're just being paranoid. There's nothing here but that big ass sea turtle over there, and she's not going to hurt anyone.


Missouri: Hey, guys, do you see that?


Nebraska: See what?


Missouri: Footprints. Human footprints. And they lead from the turtle back into those woods over there.


Texas Tech: Come to think of it, I think I see something in the distance. It looks like a yellow jet ski. I can't really tell though because it's so foggy. Hey Colorado! Run over there and see if that's a jet ski.


Colorado: I'm on it, dude.


Colorado runs out of sight and back to the guys on the beach in a matter of seconds...


Texas Tech: Holy crap that was fast.


Colorado: I'm used to running around in a cloudy haze.


Texas Tech: Yeah, I can see that. Anyway, is that a jet ski?


Colorado: Yep, it is. And it said, "Property of Texas" with a longhorn on the back.


Texas: Hot dog! That's it! He's here, and I'd bet anything that those are his tracks leading into the woods.


Oklahoma: Well, let's go get that little retard and find a way to get off of this rock. I've got a football season to get ready for.


Texas: We all do, dumbass.


Oklahoma: Whatever, let's go.


The group starts following the tracks into the woods. Meanwhile, Texas A&M is in camp with Steve and his tribe...


Steve: Ev-ray-one. Listen up. This Tex-ass am. He our guest.


Texas A&M: Hi Mexicans!


Tommie Frazier: Who are you calling a Mexican?


Texas A&M: Como hello!


Frazier: What the? Are you retarded?


Texas A&M: Not legally.


Troy Davis: Hey, Tommie, what's going on?


Frazier: This idiot just waltzes into camp and says, "Hey, Mexicans!" I'm not a Mexican.


Davis: Me either.


Texas A&M: Hey, er, do you have any burritos? I'm hungry.


Frazier: Alright, that's it! I'm going to kick your ass!


Texas A&M: I'd take a gordita if you've got one?


Tommie Frazier goes to punch A&M, but a cloaked, bearded figure in walks up and catches Frazier's punch. He pulls down his hood and with a fiery look in his eyes, says...


Cloaked Man: STOP!


Frazier: Oh, so you sit there over there for three weeks with your cloaked, bearded, brooding ass, and now you're going to finally say something. Who are you anyway?


Cloaked Man: My name is Kliff Kingsbury, and I'm one of the most decorated college football players of all-time.


Frazier: So am I, but you don't see me looking like Obi Wan Kenobi and acting like a mute.


Kingsbury: Look, you've been here for a while. I just got here, and it takes time to adjust. I'm sure you understand.


Texas A&M: Who are you guys?


Davis: We're Big 12 legends that have been forgotten because we didn't have successful NFL careers, and because we've been forgotten, we've somehow made our way to this island.


Kingsbury: I thought that I was going to a tryout for some Caribbean league team. Next thing I knew, some guy with a rickety piece of shit brought me here. With all of the fog, smoke, and brooding darkness, it was like crossing the river Styx. I'm still not 100% certain that I'm not in Hell.


Rocky Calmus: None of us are certain that we aren't in Hell.


Michael Bishop: True that.


Texas A&M: I remember you! How did you get here!?!


Michael Bishop: They said there was an arena league team in the Dominican Republic. I figured that I'd check it out. The same guy with the piece of shit boat brought me here too.


Davis: Me too.


Texas A&M: Wow. That's really sad. I'm glad that I didn't meet that guy. He sounds like a meanie.


Kingsbury: Wait, the boatman didn't bring you here?


Texas A&M: No, I got here on my friend's jet ski.


Frazier: Interesting. The boatmen only brings you here after you no longer have any chance at athletic success.


Steve: Unless...


Davis: Unless what?


Steve: An-cent prophecy say that man who cross the big water will free us from the island. If boatman did not bring re-tard here, maybe he the one prophecy speak of.


Frazier: Uh uh. No way. He can't be the one.


Texas A&M stands there staring at a tree while picking his ass...


Davis: Hey, there, Texas am


Texas A&M: My name is Texas A AND M. Not Texas am. Sheesh!


Davis: Sorry, Texas A&M. Is your jet ski still working?


Texas A&M: Oh, no. It's broken.


Davis: There, Steve, you see? It's broken. He can't be the one that will get us off of this island.


Texas A&M: But my friends are coming. Maybe they can get us off of the island?


Davis: Friends? What friends?


Texas A&M: My friend Texas has a boat. All of our friends are coming.


Kingsbury: Did you say Texas is coming? He'll come with a rescue party for sure!


Texas A&M: Yep. All of my friends are coming.


Davis: Wow, even Iowa State?


Texas A&M: I don't know who that is. So probably not.


Davis: Damn.


Frazier: Alright, let's think. What's our best chance of finding the rescue party?


Kingsbury: We head back to the beach where the jet ski is, and we light a signal fire.


Frazier: Good idea. Men, let's get our stuff organized and prepare a move to the beach.


The lost legends, Steve, and Texas A&M all gather camp and get ready to head to the beach. Meanwhile, the guys have made their way into the jungle in their search for Texas A&M...


Kansas State: Good God, this is some thick vegetation.


Nebraska: Oh, grow up you pansy. It's just like walking through a corn field.


Missouri: Except this corn field is crawling with some ungodly looking bugs.


Nebraska: Pansies.


Texas: Will you all shut up? It's hard enough following his tracks as it is.


Texas Tech: We could follow the trail of fun size Snickers wrappers he left lying around.


Texas: Pardon?


Texas Tech: Snickers wrappers. They're everywhere.


Oklahoma: Shit, that's funny. Quite the leader you are.


Texas: Blow me. Alright, follow the wrappers.


The group follows the wrappers deeper into the jungle. Meanwhile, at a rickety dock somewhere on the island...


Iowa State: You think this is where they went?


Dock Worker: I'm sure of it.


Iowa State: It doesn't look like anyone is here. Is this island even on the map?


Dock Worker: Probably not. There aren't many people who know about it.


Iowa State: How do you?


Dock Worker: I bring people here from time to time. They're a lot like you; they're looking for something or someone. I help them get to where they need to go.


At that moment, the legends stumble upon Iowa State and the Dock Worker...


Kingsbury: YOU!!!


Frazier: Get him!


Dock Worker: (To Iowa State...) It's time for you to get off of the boat and meet your new friends. I need to leave.


Davis: (Yelling at Iowa State...) Don't let him get away!


Iowa State: Who are you?


Dock Worker: I'm the boatman, and you're home now.


Come back Friday for the exciting conclusion to the Adventures mini-series!

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