Adventures of the Big 12: Lost
by Panjandrum on Aug 3, 2009 4:00 AM CDT
in Adventures of the Big 12 Series
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The second installment of this three part mini-series is here, and our friends have made their way, albiet unexpectedly, to the island. All the while, a forgotten member of the group has made his way to the party as well.
Click the jump for more Adventures!
A cab pulls up to the marina where The Champions* left port a few hours before...
Cab Driver: That'll be $22.50.
Iowa State: You're kidding me. You just drive me about five miles from the airport, and you expect me to pay you twenty-two dollars?
Cab Driver: No, I don't expect you to pay me twenty-two dollars. I expect you to pay me $22.50. Well, actually, it's twenty-three now because the meter's still running.
Iowa State: I'm not paying you that much.
Cab Driver: Listen, asshole, I've got a family to feed. $23.50.
Iowa State: This is highway robbery.
Cab Driver: Actually, it's street-side robbery. The highway is a mile that way. $24.00.
Iowa State: Fine! Here, take it.
Iowa State hands the cab driver twenty-five dollars...
Cab Driver: You call this a tip?
Iowa State: Give me a break, dude.
Cab Driver: Alright, have a nice day. Beware of the homeless guys that try to rape you under the overpasses.
Iowa State: What did you just say?
Cab Driver: Nothing. Peace.
The cab driver peels out and leaves Iowa State alone at the marina. Iowa State begins to look around the marina for The Champions*...
Iowa State: Alright, the text message said they'd be here. Maybe they're just late?
Dock Worker: Hey there. You looking for a big yacht with a bunch guys and chicks in Hooters outfits on it?
Iowa State: (sighs) Yeah, that's the one. So, I take it they've been here already.
Dock Worker: Oh yeah. They realized that one of their guys was lost and they went to look for him.
Iowa State: Really?!? They said they were going to look for me?
Dock Worker: Yeah, they said they were looking for their friend and that if they couldn't find him, some guy named "Beebee" would have their asses.
Iowa State: Beebe said that about me? I never thought that the commissioner and all of those guys cared that much about me. I figured they just viewed me as a tag along.
Dock Worker: Well, they seemed pretty interested in finding you.
Iowa State: Do you know where they went? I've tried calling them, but it's going straight to voicemail.
Dock Worker: Oh, well you're not going to get a signal at sea ma'boy. They said they'd be headed due east.
Iowa State: I wonder why they'd sail out onto the open sea looking for me?
Dock Worker: I don't know why either, but all I can tell you is that's where they went.
Iowa State: Hmm...okay. Well, is there anyway that I can get a boat or something to go after them?
Dock Worker: I've got a boat. She's not much of a looker, but we can follow them if you'd like.
Iowa State: I'd like that a lot! How much?
Dock Worker: Oh, I don't know, a couple hundred bucks.
Iowa State: Uh, er, well, I don't have that much on me. How about a hundred now, and I'll get my friends to pay the other hundred when we find them?
Dock Worker: Deal. I'll get this thing all fired up and ready to go.
Iowa State: Awesome!
Iowa State and the Dock Worker board the boat and head out east to go find The Champions*. In the meantime, the rest of the members of the Big 12, sans Texas A&M of course, swam to the island shore after the yacht crashed against rocks in the fog...
Texas: Jesus Christ, man. Icebergs?
Kansas State: What? Icebergs...rocks...big fucking things that you can run into and it will sink...what's the difference?
Texas: Sorry, man, it's just...well, I don't know where we are or how we're going to get home.
Kansas State: Just pull out some James Bond satellite phone you have stored in your shoe, and call for help.
Texas: I would, but it got soaked when we swam here, and it doesn't appear to have a signal.
Kansas State: I was kidding. You really had a satellite phone in your shoe?
Texas: Uh, yeah. I just forgot to bring the one that's waterproof.
Kansas State: You really are a piece of work.
Oklahoma: Hey, guys, can we focus here? We're stuck on an island in the middle of nowhere, it's foggy as shit, and I'm not quite positive, but I get the sinking feeling that we're being watched.
Nebraska: You're just being paranoid. There's nothing here but that big ass sea turtle over there, and she's not going to hurt anyone.
Missouri: Hey, guys, do you see that?
Nebraska: See what?
Missouri: Footprints. Human footprints. And they lead from the turtle back into those woods over there.
Texas Tech: Come to think of it, I think I see something in the distance. It looks like a yellow jet ski. I can't really tell though because it's so foggy. Hey Colorado! Run over there and see if that's a jet ski.
Colorado: I'm on it, dude.
Colorado runs out of sight and back to the guys on the beach in a matter of seconds...
Texas Tech: Holy crap that was fast.
Colorado: I'm used to running around in a cloudy haze.
Texas Tech: Yeah, I can see that. Anyway, is that a jet ski?
Colorado: Yep, it is. And it said, "Property of Texas" with a longhorn on the back.
Texas: Hot dog! That's it! He's here, and I'd bet anything that those are his tracks leading into the woods.
Oklahoma: Well, let's go get that little retard and find a way to get off of this rock. I've got a football season to get ready for.
Texas: We all do, dumbass.
Oklahoma: Whatever, let's go.
The group starts following the tracks into the woods. Meanwhile, Texas A&M is in camp with Steve and his tribe...
Steve: Ev-ray-one. Listen up. This Tex-ass am. He our guest.
Texas A&M: Hi Mexicans!
Tommie Frazier: Who are you calling a Mexican?
Texas A&M: Como hello!
Frazier: What the? Are you retarded?
Texas A&M: Not legally.
Troy Davis: Hey, Tommie, what's going on?
Frazier: This idiot just waltzes into camp and says, "Hey, Mexicans!" I'm not a Mexican.
Davis: Me either.
Texas A&M: Hey, er, do you have any burritos? I'm hungry.
Frazier: Alright, that's it! I'm going to kick your ass!
Texas A&M: I'd take a gordita if you've got one?
Tommie Frazier goes to punch A&M, but a cloaked, bearded figure in walks up and catches Frazier's punch. He pulls down his hood and with a fiery look in his eyes, says...
Cloaked Man: STOP!
Frazier: Oh, so you sit there over there for three weeks with your cloaked, bearded, brooding ass, and now you're going to finally say something. Who are you anyway?
Cloaked Man: My name is Kliff Kingsbury, and I'm one of the most decorated college football players of all-time.
Frazier: So am I, but you don't see me looking like Obi Wan Kenobi and acting like a mute.
Kingsbury: Look, you've been here for a while. I just got here, and it takes time to adjust. I'm sure you understand.
Texas A&M: Who are you guys?
Davis: We're Big 12 legends that have been forgotten because we didn't have successful NFL careers, and because we've been forgotten, we've somehow made our way to this island.
Kingsbury: I thought that I was going to a tryout for some Caribbean league team. Next thing I knew, some guy with a rickety piece of shit brought me here. With all of the fog, smoke, and brooding darkness, it was like crossing the river Styx. I'm still not 100% certain that I'm not in Hell.
Rocky Calmus: None of us are certain that we aren't in Hell.
Michael Bishop: True that.
Texas A&M: I remember you! How did you get here!?!
Michael Bishop: They said there was an arena league team in the Dominican Republic. I figured that I'd check it out. The same guy with the piece of shit boat brought me here too.
Davis: Me too.
Texas A&M: Wow. That's really sad. I'm glad that I didn't meet that guy. He sounds like a meanie.
Kingsbury: Wait, the boatman didn't bring you here?
Texas A&M: No, I got here on my friend's jet ski.
Frazier: Interesting. The boatmen only brings you here after you no longer have any chance at athletic success.
Steve: Unless...
Davis: Unless what?
Steve: An-cent prophecy say that man who cross the big water will free us from the island. If boatman did not bring re-tard here, maybe he the one prophecy speak of.
Frazier: Uh uh. No way. He can't be the one.
Texas A&M stands there staring at a tree while picking his ass...
Davis: Hey, there, Texas am
Texas A&M: My name is Texas A AND M. Not Texas am. Sheesh!
Davis: Sorry, Texas A&M. Is your jet ski still working?
Texas A&M: Oh, no. It's broken.
Davis: There, Steve, you see? It's broken. He can't be the one that will get us off of this island.
Texas A&M: But my friends are coming. Maybe they can get us off of the island?
Davis: Friends? What friends?
Texas A&M: My friend Texas has a boat. All of our friends are coming.
Kingsbury: Did you say Texas is coming? He'll come with a rescue party for sure!
Texas A&M: Yep. All of my friends are coming.
Davis: Wow, even Iowa State?
Texas A&M: I don't know who that is. So probably not.
Davis: Damn.
Frazier: Alright, let's think. What's our best chance of finding the rescue party?
Kingsbury: We head back to the beach where the jet ski is, and we light a signal fire.
Frazier: Good idea. Men, let's get our stuff organized and prepare a move to the beach.
The lost legends, Steve, and Texas A&M all gather camp and get ready to head to the beach. Meanwhile, the guys have made their way into the jungle in their search for Texas A&M...
Kansas State: Good God, this is some thick vegetation.
Nebraska: Oh, grow up you pansy. It's just like walking through a corn field.
Missouri: Except this corn field is crawling with some ungodly looking bugs.
Nebraska: Pansies.
Texas: Will you all shut up? It's hard enough following his tracks as it is.
Texas Tech: We could follow the trail of fun size Snickers wrappers he left lying around.
Texas: Pardon?
Texas Tech: Snickers wrappers. They're everywhere.
Oklahoma: Shit, that's funny. Quite the leader you are.
Texas: Blow me. Alright, follow the wrappers.
The group follows the wrappers deeper into the jungle. Meanwhile, at a rickety dock somewhere on the island...
Iowa State: You think this is where they went?
Dock Worker: I'm sure of it.
Iowa State: It doesn't look like anyone is here. Is this island even on the map?
Dock Worker: Probably not. There aren't many people who know about it.
Iowa State: How do you?
Dock Worker: I bring people here from time to time. They're a lot like you; they're looking for something or someone. I help them get to where they need to go.
At that moment, the legends stumble upon Iowa State and the Dock Worker...
Kingsbury: YOU!!!
Frazier: Get him!
Dock Worker: (To Iowa State...) It's time for you to get off of the boat and meet your new friends. I need to leave.
Davis: (Yelling at Iowa State...) Don't let him get away!
Iowa State: Who are you?
Dock Worker: I'm the boatman, and you're home now.
Come back Friday for the exciting conclusion to the Adventures mini-series!
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If this is a true "lost" episode
you’ll need to have a nailbiting love interest that never quite happens. I suggest Oklahoma State as the bad boy, KU as the girl………
Introducing the new 2008 Big 12 Football Champions: OU, UT*, TT*, and MU*!
Now Introducing the new 2009 Big 12 Baseball Tournament Champions: UT, KSU*, BU*, and MU*!
Simply marvelous.
Good work.
Hail to the Purple, Hail to the White
Wildcat in spirit, Wildcat in fight
Hail Alma Mater from sea to sea
Onward forever, Hail Victory!
Wonderful
Except I’m confused (don’t worry, I haven’t been beaten re-ta-ded like A&M). If this island is the home of forgotten legends, this can’t be Iowa State’s new home. They’ve never been a legend. ;-)
Just Remember
That we lead the all time series against you guys and the Snyder sequel is going to be like Joe Gibbs coming back to the Redskins…
I can’t wait for Kansas City
by Mark Kieffer on Aug 3, 2009 10:41 PM CDT up reply actions
That's a bold statement...
Honestly, I don’t see ISU beating KSU this year, but there’s always hope I guess.
I would refrain from coach smack until Rhodes actually wins a game.
Bring on the Cats
"Without getting into specifics, my exit involves a McFlurry machine and a video tape of risque commercials from overseas." -- Jack Donaghy
by Panjandrum on Aug 3, 2009 11:39 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Oh ok
The reason why you don’t see ISU winning is because you probably don’t know much about ISU.
You guys could very well win, but you can say that about any conference game. It’s not like ISU and KSU don’t belong on the same field
Here's what I know...
An absolutely God awful KSU team owned them last year at home, and they gifted ISU at least 14 points two years ago in a close loss (not to mention a horrible call that prevented another TD).
KSU returns nearly EVERYONE from last years’s team, and we have a massive upgrade at nearly every coaching position.
ISU has a brand new, unproven, staff. They also give up a home game in favor of neutral site.
I’m not saying they don’t belong on the same field (that’s a very dramatic assumption on your part), but I’d be shocked if KSU isn’t favored in that game.
There is a reason ISU has been picked by nearly every prognosticator for worst team in the conference this year. That can always change, but the ingredients are there.
You do return a winless conference team, do you not?
Bring on the Cats
"Without getting into specifics, my exit involves a McFlurry machine and a video tape of risque commercials from overseas." -- Jack Donaghy
by Panjandrum on Aug 4, 2009 7:23 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Let's also not forget...
…that last year’s win over ISU came in the last game of the lame-duck Ron Prince era, after the team had rolled over and played dead two weeks in a row against Missouri and Nebraska, not to mention the ass-kicking KU laid on us before Prince was fired. And yet, that same outfit managed to smack Iowa State around.
Here’s what I know about ISU. You have a coach who was a pretty good defensive coordinator but has no head coaching experience. That sounds familiar. You have an offensive coordinator who was great at Rice with a great QB and WR, but was absolutely nothing without those players. I’ll grant that you have what looks like a pretty solid defensive coordinator in Burnham. And all those coaches with a team that has won three Big 12 conference games in the last three years.
Meanwhile, not like K-State has exactly been super, but they have a proven head coaching legend in Bill Snyder, and a proven defensive coordinator in Vic Koenning. All that coaching a team that has won triple the number of conference games ISU has in the last three years.
So you should be able to see by now why we consider it more likely than not that we will beat Iowa State this year. Not a sure thing, and it’s not like any of us said that.
And before I forget, you really should stop running around with that “we lead the all-time series against K-State” stuff. K-State was named Futility U by Sports Illustrated and almost dropped football because the program was so bad, and yet Iowa State is only 10 games ahead of K-State in the all-time record. That’s not exactly an impressive accomplishment. Further, since Snyder took over in 1989, we’re 15-5 against ISU, including a 10-game win streak between 1994 and 2003.
We'll carry the banner high!
Bring On The Cats
by TB on Aug 4, 2009 9:13 AM CDT up reply actions
In 30 seconds, name as many football programs that lead the all-time series against K-State as you can.
Hail to the Purple, Hail to the White
Wildcat in spirit, Wildcat in fight
Hail Alma Mater from sea to sea
Onward forever, Hail Victory!
I don't think...
…I could get through “C” on the alphabetical list in that amount of time.
It should be noted, however, that leading the all-time series against K-State puts one in the illustrious company of St. Mary’s (Kansas, not California, as if it makes any difference) and Bethany College. Not to mention powerhouses like Drake, Northern Iowa, and Marquette.
Congrats!
We'll carry the banner high!
Bring On The Cats
by TB on Aug 4, 2009 10:23 AM CDT up reply actions
I just find it funny
That the most jabs at ISU on the SB Network comes from a Kansas State blog. I’d expect it from all of the South schools sans A&M and Baylor, you know, the ones who actually have room to talk.
Honestly, when I said I can’t wait for KC, I wasn’t necessarily predicting victory. I just think it’s going to be a lot more competitive than you give credit for, and some of the comments on here are making it a game that I am looking forward to, as opposed to being more apathetic to.
I am just saying that I cannot wait for gameday. Then we will know where the teams are at. The way I look at it, is that we beat you guys 2 years ago, and we lost against you guys on the road by 8. If you want to make excuses go ahead.
I can sit back in the ISU season and we were tied 3-3 in the 4th quarter against Iowa, didn’t show up in the first half to an OT loss to UNLV, up 20-0 against a #16 Kansas, and 1 yard away from beating CU. Then I could cry and say how we “could’ve been” 6-6 or 7-5 last year starting mostly true freshmen, but that’s the game of football.
All I know is this: We’ve got some very athletic WRs, and a QB with a strong arm. We will put out a better product on the field than you are giving credit for. We may win only 4-5 games, but we’ll be competitive.
And to be clear
I do find these posts to be entertaining. When I talk about the jabs, I am speaking more about the comments to these stories, as opposed to the posts themselves.
I'm not going to bother...
…responding to most of that drivel, because we’ve already had this argument. I’ll make a recommendation to you, however, that you exercise a little due diligence before popping off here, because the original comment was made by a Husker fan, thus you sparked this entire argument by imputing a Husker’s comment to K-State fans.
Also, when you say you “can’t wait for Kansas City” in the context you did, it is reasonable to interpret it exactly as Pan did. Choosing your words more carefully would be a good idea in the future, because that kind of statement is going to get that kind of reaction from any fanbase.
We'll carry the banner high!
Bring On The Cats
by TB on Aug 4, 2009 2:15 PM CDT up reply actions
This is my last post on the whole ordeal...
First of all, Kansas State has the fourth highest win total in the history of the Big 12 Conference (62). Iowa State ranks eleventh with 28 victories. KSU has won the North outright three times and tied once. Iowa State has never won the Big 12 North. K-State is one of six schools in the conference to win the football conference championship. Iowa State is not one of those schools.
If you look at the history of this conference, KSU has more than enough room to talk. I’m not concerned about all-time records because those stats are worthless. It’s like getting into a “My Grandpa can beat up your Grandpa” fight. Who cares? What I do know, again, is that KSU outranks ISU in the following categories:
Bowl games: KSU 13 – ISU 9
North Titles: KSU 3 – ISU – 0
Big 12 Titles: KSU 1 – ISU 0
Year of Last Conference Title: KSU 2003 – ISU 1912 (KSU, in our years of sucktitude, still won a title in 1934.)
Number of BCS/Bowl Alliance Bowl Games: KSU 2 – ISU 0
Look, I don’t want to be mean, but I’m not going to let an Iowa State fan tell me that KSU has no room to talk. If Baylor weren’t the LA Clippers of the Big 12 Football Conference, Iowa State would be the clear cellar-dwellar. The tenth ranked team, Kansas, has 34 wins in the history of the conference. Considering that the Big 12 has played 13 seasons so far (1996-2008), ISU barely averages over two conference wins a year.
Do I have a problem with ISU? No. Are they an easy target? Yes. Do I have that game predicted as a victory this year? Yes. Does that mean it will be? No. However, based on your logic, we’re poised to be competitive as well because we have a very strong corps of wideouts coming back, and our QB has all of the intangibles and pedigree you look for in a QB. We also return, like, everyone on the lines. Both of them. Plus, the best lock down corner in the entire division is on OUR team.
I can go on and on, and I can’t believe that I’m responding to this comment, but again, there’s a reason ISU was picked last by basically everyone. Will they be competitive? Who knows. Will they beat KSU? Anything can happen. However, to echo my colleagues sentiments, I find it odd that we’re getting into an argument about ISU on our site when it was a Husker fan that made the comments in the first place.
Bring on the Cats
"Without getting into specifics, my exit involves a McFlurry machine and a video tape of risque commercials from overseas." -- Jack Donaghy
I could be wrong...
but I think Wolvie is a Husker fan.
Hail to the Purple, Hail to the White
Wildcat in spirit, Wildcat in fight
Hail Alma Mater from sea to sea
Onward forever, Hail Victory!
You are correct, sir!
We'll carry the banner high!
Bring On The Cats
by TB on Aug 4, 2009 10:25 AM CDT up reply actions
You are correct
As I’m reading some of the previous comments from mpls, I’m kinda sorry I said it. One, I was just throwing a friendly jab (hence the wink). Two, I didn’t mean for it to spark a KSU v ISU battle. The Adventures are read by fans from a number of teams, and is all in fun.
Don't worry about it
We'll carry the banner high!
Bring On The Cats
by TB on Aug 4, 2009 8:29 PM CDT up reply actions
No No No
Don’t apologize for saying how you feel. What I like about the comments is how you can get feedback on what’s written and it also gives you a chance to put in your 2 cents on something.
I may have gone a little overboard myself. Like I said before, I like the Adventures and think they’re funny.
I guess I am just getting more and more anxious for the season. That way we can talk about actual games, as opposed to prognosticating the future and rehashing the past.
That, we can all agree with
Except that I’m a Husker, all we do is rehash the past. ;-)
Not to give Pan even more ammo, he has plenty for all of us. I’m waiting for the Adventure when Nebraska goes so over-the-top with history, everything he says is a quote/stat/reminiscing about a game 20-30 years ago. The rest of the conference (sans Iowa State, who’s still stuck on the island) yells at us to live in the now.
Just one month to go!
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