Why I Don't Get a Press Pass

With Big 12 Media Days wrapping up in Dallas this week, I figured now would be a great time to show you exactly why it's not a good idea to ever give me a press pass.

Now, that's not to say my much more mature colleagues wouldn't do an admirable (and serious) job if that opportunity ever presented itself, but personally, it's not something that I could do. First of all, I'm absolutely horrible at interviewing people. Given the opportunity, my list of questions for coaches and student-athletes would probably consist of asking what their favorite reality TV series is and if they like Pop Tarts. Secondly, if I'm not your biggest fan, I probably couldn't hide my disdain. Sure, I could probably subtly ask insulting questions, but that would take restraint that I may or may not have.

So, just to prove that point, I'll go ahead and give you a list of questions that I probably would have asked in Dallas this week. Click the jump if you dare.

WARNING: If you're easily offended, just avoid this post. Please remember that this is filed under "Humor" for a reason.

"Hi, Coach. PJ from Bring On The Cats. Do you get up every morning and look forward to coaching Satan's Glee Club, or is this your penance for selling your soul to get on Bill Snyder's staff back in the day?"

"Kerry, so what's Thanksgiving like? Do your brothers call you a 'traitor', or is that just something everyone outside of Kansas City and Lawrence say when you leave the room?"

"Hey sod...I mean, Todd. I'm a huge fan of your work. When you, Sam, and Frodo destroyed the One Ring, I just couldn't contain my excitement. Is there any way that you could tell me how to get to The Shire? I'm dying to see some of Gandalf's fireworks!"

"Coach Pelini, have you ever seen Tropic Thunder? Has anyone ever told you that you look like Simple Jack?"

"Mr. Sherman, I feel like it would be inappropriate to call you "Coach" because you seemed to be the only guy that could find a way to lose with Brett Favre, and Ron Prince beat you in College Station. I don't really have a question; I just wanted to point out the fact that outside of your own fans, we all think you're about as retarded as Simple Jack over there [I point at Bo Pelini giving an interview.]"

"Please, please, please promise me that you'll never leave this conference you gloriously goofy sombitch."

"Coach Stoops, when you shook Tim Tebow's hand after you lost the BCS title game last year, did that make all of the pain go away? Did bathing in His holy light for just a few moments change your life like it has for every single person at ESPN, or did you still feel as bad as we did when you raided half of our coaching staff after the 1998 season?"

"Coach Briles, what voodoo curse has been placed on your program that's so strong even Jesus can't get you guys to a bowl game? Have you tried sacrificing virgins? I'm pretty sure the almighty would love to get Colt McCoy's girlfriend back 'home' ASAP if you know what I mean."

"Coach Rhodes, I'm so glad to see you're still okay. If I had to coach in Ames, I definately would have killed myself by now, but I'm glad to see you're still holding out. Best of luck this year, and make sure you tell a friend if you feel the urge to hurt yourself."