(A collaborative effort between the unholy alliance of Bring On The Cats and Rock M Nation. You should be able to tell which is which.)
Lawrence, Kan. (AP) -- Kansas University announced today that it will be offering a new major and, to go along with it, new course offerings starting immediately.
The major, which offers a Bachelor of Arts in "Being an Annoying Fan" is reproduced below.
Revisionist History I: Proving KU has never been found guilty of NCAA violations
Pre-Civil War U.S. History: We were the good guys!
Traditions Explained I: Waving the Wheat – A guide for students from Johnson County, Chicago, St. Louis, Dallas, Denver and Los Angeles who couldn't get into a better school and had to settle for KU
U.S. Geography I: The Kansas – Missouri Border (subtopics include why it's warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer on the Kansas side, why it snows less on the Kansas side, and why Johnson County is superior to Jackson County)
Revisionist History II: Proving that K-State has never been good at basketball
Traditions Explained II: Just what the fuck "Rock Chalk Jayhawk" means
U.S. Geography II: Why a "hill" with an "elevation" of 1,037 feet qualifies for the title "mount"
Creative Insults for Sporting Events I: Introduction to "Purple Pussies" for K-State and "Slavers" for Mizzou (subtopics include how to vary the inflection in your voice to make it sound like you really have a lot of witty, on-the-spot insults)
Academics 100 (athletes only): How to stay eligible without actually being so to begin with
Journalism Manipulation 101: Getting local media to ignore your school's past indiscretions (to be taken in conjunction with "Revisionist History" courses)
Revisionist History III: Proving that the years 1993-2003 never really happened for K-State football
Traditions Explained III: Why a "jayhawk" is actually a cute, cuddly bird with buckled shoes, rather than a Civil War era terrorist with a flask of cheap bourbon and a three-day beard
U.S. Geography III: Why we're THE University of Kansas, but most of our students couldn't name a town in Kansas west of Lawrence or south of Olathe
Creative Insults for Sporting Events II: Changing "Manhattan" to "Craphattan" and "Mizzou" to "Methzou" (despite one of the largest meth busts ever happening in...Topeka)
Revisionist History IV: Proving that Norm Stewart really wasn't a very good basketball coach
(Il)Logical Argument 100: Why shirts that say "You can't spell 'sucks' without 'K-S-U'" make sense at KU, despite the fact that you can't spell "sucks" without "KU," either
Traditions Explained IV: How Abercrombie and Fitch became the school's official gameday clothier
Life Skills 100: How to lease a luxury car
Life Skills 101: How to ask your parents to co-sign for the lease of a luxury car
Criminal Justice 300 (athletes only): How to get away with just about anything
Life Skills 200: How to get through an interview after they laugh at you for having a KU degree
Law 300: Prosecutorial Discretion For Future Douglas County District Attorneys (Required for graduation)
Anatomy of a Tiebreaker: Celebrating North titles without the hassle of ever playing in the conference championship game
Introduction to (Avoiding) Logic (Required course text)
The Significance of Insignificance: Making sure nobody has an opportunity to forget that they don't matter to us
The Obsession with Obsession: Feed your starvation for attention by constantly finding out who is talking about you, and then make sure everyone knows that you know
Graduate Program: NCAA (Non) Compliance (#1 Ranked Program in the country)
--Topics Include: Employing obscure relatives to bypass NCAA rules against direct payment to players; Surrogate test taking for (tutoring) dummies; Not maintaining a compliance department after the NCAA specifically ordered us to have one
Congrats! You're a graduate of the University of Kansas! Now go out into the real world and make us proud!